back! The last couple weeks have busy. I'm not quite sure exactly with what, but they have. I went to Mongolian BBQ for Gaby's 21st. Good food, girly drinks a good time:)

Schooool started Monday. Holy B Jesus! This will be my busiest semester ever! I basically have a quiz and or paper due every day. Thank God I don't believe in Friday classes. It's going to be alooot of work. But I'm looking forward to being busy constantly instead of just two week periods. Starting school, or rather anything without you mom is extremely hard. I'm used to calling you after all my classes, texting you during class and such. I miss telling you about my teachers and how I'm doing and hearing your encourgment. And you telling me, my best is all you want. I felt strange finishing my first day of school and not calling you. It's going to be strange not ranting to you about the ignorant comments that I know are going to be made in my Social Problems class. Remember when I took SOC 101..after every class.. "THAT FUCKIN SPANISH LADY!" I'm going to make you proud, promise. I bet you are still excited about my gpa:) I could not have done it without you. I miss you, and I still really really need you. I have you to thank for having Nathan everyday to come home too. I'm glad I have him to rant to, but it's not the same at all. I'm glad I have someone to encourage me, and be proud of me. But it doesn't feel complete. That is the hardest thing. Whenever something happens, I can call my friends, or fam, or tell Nathan. But it always feels like I have one more person to tell. So whatever I'm talking about doesn 't feel finished cause I can't tell you. It's really hard to not lose my excitment about things. I'm trying though. It's almost been a year. Sometimes it feels like forever, sometimes it feels completely surreal, sometimes it feels like it's been yesterday. I don't want to have to think about you being out of my life for a whole year. Esp, when there are so many more years to come. Your birthday is coming up. I want to do something speical for it, I'm unsure as to what. Like with the tattoo/my birthday I needed to do something to avoid being completley depressed the whole day. I wish I had a place to visit you and lay flowers. I don't know what I want to do for your birthday, but I'll be sure to let you know. It will be good promise.

I wish I could pick up the phone & tell you how I'm feeling.
I'd tell you how I'v changed.
I'd tell you everything.

I love you every second of everyday. I miss you every second of everyday.

25 thangz bout me. haha.

RAINY SHIT ASS WEATHER+ boyfriend at work+ no $= Stolen from facebook. 25, wonderful facts about myself that everyone should know. ha.

1. I curse in almost every sentence, and I don't care if it's not lady like.
2. I REALLY wish I could have theme music, like in cartoons when characters are walking & such. Thus the reason I make strange sound effects through out the day.
3. I LOVE cutey lil cartoon animals. aka nemo, blot, alvin & the chipmunk. I want singing chipmunks. (I'm 22 I swear, and I'm not retarded. I just realllly love small critters)
4. I'm pretty sure I was meant to live on the shore.
5. I've been told by my friends, mom & boyfriend, that I am an extremely weird person. I'm okay with, there is no one else like me.
6. I am obsessed with Law & Order/Elliot & Entourge. If I could marry Ari Gold, I would in a heart beat.
7. I have anxiety, and at times I can't get out of bed. It's one of the most crippling feelings ever.
8. My mother is the best person in the world. I miss her every moment of everyday. Small things that seem meaningless constantly bring back a memory of her. It's not fair, fuck cancer.
9. The book A Child Called 'it', is the reason I'm going to be a social worker.
10. I'm extremely liberal, and it's REALLY hard for me to hold a conversation with hardcore right winged people. I often get in fights withn people in my classes, when I find what they are saying to be ignorant.
11. Everyone that knew my mom looks at me and see's her. I feel it every time I'm around a friend, coworker or family member. If you've never felt something like that it's impossible to describe.
12. My friends, are one of the most important parts of my life. I have all the best friends.
13. Nathan says I live in a fairy tale world, in my head. I say wtf is wrong with that sucka?!
14. Winter is horrid, I always get depressed when I don't see the sun.
15. It's hard for me to express myself, really hard. I wish I could just give people lyrics instead of trying to spew out my thoughts.
16. I'm going to marry my boyfriend:) I'm not one of those people who are ready to get married now and through away my youth. no thank you. we just know it. i think it comes with dating someone older, they know what they want, and I've stopped looking. I won't be getting married until, I don't feel the need to be known as a such a belligerent person. I can't be that ignorant at my my wedding. soooo like 5 years from now? haha
17. I think I'm pretty fucking funny.
18. I ruin my life everytime I drink. But I keep drinking. (hence me waiting to get married)
19. I can't drive. But I looovveee my mustang/saturn, but really it's a mustang.
20. I am a lot of times obnoxiously LOUD!
21. I am re-learning how to love life again. It's satisfying, but taking a lot of work. I'm working on being more carefree. like how I used to be & not givin a sheeeettt.
22. I have ADD like you would not BELIEVE, I should be cleaning the kitchen right now.
23. When I was little, I REALLY wanted to be a boy. no homo...
24. If you don't like me, than clearly you are a re-thard.
25. I live 20 mins aways from Washington DC...and Loooooveeee the Cowboys & think the Skins are lameee.

trust me on the sunscreen

The Famous Sunscreen Speech en Yahoo! Video

that's whats up.

digdigdig.

Understand that friends come & go.
Their are a precious few you should hold on too.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle.
Because the older you get, the more you'll need,
the people who knew you when you were young.

I gave Dig- Incubus to nicole on a card for christmas last year. And it's kind of been our song. I heard it at the Incubus concert (the acoustic verison to be exact.) First things first.... THEY WERE AWESOME! SO GOOD. Brandon is an amazing singer. I will always be a sucker for skinny rock boys with peircings& tattoos and loud awesome voices. If you sit down and listen to alot of Incubus's lyrics they are extremellyy poetic. They don't just have songs about fallin love, alot have to do with indiviuality. Again, just because their songs are poetic they still don't over complicate them. (big pet peeve, obv.)

Anyway, whilst listening to the wonderful acoustic version of Dig, I got to thinking. I'v gone back and forth with several friendships. Sometimes I'm closer with certain friends then others. This is summer I went from having a huge social group where I was always around at least three people, to being around one or two people, and more then three was an event such as Weeds night. This is the first time I haven't lived in a house with a bunch of people. (even though I enjoy this so much more) It was really hard at first, I felt like all I had was Nathan & Hassan. Which was fine, but I missed what I had. It has started getting alot better. But listening to Dig, I realize that this summer I have learned, quality is better then quanity. I'm forunate enough to have people to stick by me even when I'm not my normal self. I'm blessed because I still have friends from highschool & middle school who know my pre college past. I'm lucky enough to have made some of the most wonderful friends in college both in salisbury & when I moved home. I'm so happy that despite distance, I have been able to keep friendships that I can't believe I lived without for so long. Weather I see all these lovely people daily, I know they are still here. Through losing my mom, I learned who the people are that truely love me. And it didn't matter how much I saw them, their out pouring of love and affection meant/means so much to me. It used to make me sad when friendships would tetter and I felt like I wasn't as close with certain people as I wanted to be. But I realize that is life, everyone is at different points of their lives everyday and sometimes that is how things work out and it's not a bad thing. Because true friendship isn't based on how often you talk or see one another. It's based on trusting the fact you can depend on a friend for anything, trusting them to love you when you aren't being you, trusting them to help you back to that person, being able to call them in the middle of the night, and knowing the same applys on your end. I'm sure through out life I'll meet a bunch of new people and make other wonderful friends. But I'll never forget or stop being friends with the people I have now. It's always hard to keep friendships going when life is constantly changing. I've come to realize, I have all the best friends:) Even though we won't be staying in the same area forever, I hope to grow old with most of these people, and being able to look back on when...I got thrown from a golf cart, bonnaroo, cove beach, middle school, spring breaks, living together, sneaking into bars&fake ID's, the oldzoo/greenes apartment, all of us turning 21 and soooo much more! It's possible and despite how many new friendships I make in the future, I don't think any will compare to what I have now. And I will always want, what I have now.
no distance or lapse in time,
can lessen the bond of those,
who are truely presuaded by each others worth.

THIS, is good.

good, good, anddd good. And put so simply. Sometimes I think artist try to hard to use complicated metaphors in their songs. Sometime ya just gotta say it plainly.
What person doesn't want, what this song is talking about?
I know I do. I wonder what people would be like, if everyday they included getting closer to free, in their daily lives? Everyone would probably be a lot different, I know I would.
ahhh a lot music was so much better back in the day. They have been around since the 80's!
Truly good music, is music that last through the decades, not the months. (as catchy as those songs are lol)
ugh, my boyfriend just asked me why I'm listening to country.
oh littleboy...classic rock/alternative.
I am still working on expanding his musical mind. He's getting better:) He knows the difference between Rage Against The Machine & 311 now.


Everybody wants to live
How they wanna live
And everybody wants to love
Like they wanna love
And everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody wants respect
Just a little bit
And everybody needs a chance
Once in a while
Everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody one
Everybody two
Everybody free

Everybody needs to touch
You know now and then
And everybody wants a good good friend
Everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody wants to live
How they want to live
And everybody wants to love
Who they want to love
And everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

You bring a better future, then I had in the past.

THIS man right here. Is the love of my life. I don't mean to get all cheesy and lovey. But at times I can't help it. I never dreamed I'd meet anyone who understands me as well as he does. We are at times so different, he can focus on problems without getting emotional, he frankly has more preservance than I do. (something I hope to learn from him), he has no idea what the word awkward means...the list could go on. But we compliment each other, he shows me how to be strong and when I can't he is my strength, and I help him be more sensitive. His parents have welcomed me with open arms and tell me they love me every time I see them. They've done alot to help me, anndddd have invited me to go on their first family vacay in like 5 years. (VEGASsuckaaa)

He taught me what it means to be in a happy, healthy relationship. I honestly never had one before. (sad) I can not believe what I put up with all these years. He has taught me to be more confident in myself, like how I used to be last year before the curse of anxiety and fear of awkwardness. He pushes me with school, and lets me know I can do it, even when it's hard. He has made the whole in my heart so much smaller. CERTAIN people had no faith in our relationship and said us moving in together was a horrible idea. I'm glad we proved them wrong. I don't know if I would be able to live in my moms house at this point without him. He was gone for 12 days in a row this month, and I did not realize how comfortable he makes me feel at night. (I'm afraid of the dark...) I could not sleep without, I woke up anxious all night, every night. I'm so happy, and so lucky to have my littleboy:) He hates when I call him that.

Aside from all that I see my mom in him everyday. He never got the chance to meet her, which does break my heart. She'd love him, I know it. But as he says, we have our own little Notebook love story. (see i'm teaching him to be more sensitive.) Most people don't know how, alike we are in the sense he lost his mom when he ten. He understand everything I'm going through and it has helped alot to have someone who just..gets it. But back to me seeing my mom in him everyday. When I first met him, I was more or less looking for some ass. (I was going through a dry spell) I thought he was really cute, and we hung out after work one night and kind of hit it off. I still wanted nothing to do with a realtionship. The 3rd time we hung out he was complaning of a stomach ache so I took him home. The next day i went to the hospital to see my mom, and told her I was going to stay, but she was like don't you have a date? I go "ew so not a date and not important at all" She begged me to go, and said she had a good feeling about this one. So.. I went, and his stomach was still hurting. I gave him some advil and bought him a heating pack. It didn't help. He said it was so bad, he wanted to go to the hospital. We went, they basically said he ...he needed to poop lol. They gave him some laxatives, and said he should be fine. He wasn't so I called my mom, and said the pain was getting worse and I didn't know what to do. I told her where it was, and she i needed to take him back. He didn't want to go of course being the manly man, all men think they are. But I told him my mom was a nurse and that he needed to go. By the time we got there he was throwing up, and crying from the pain. I left once he got admitted and figured it was nothing tooooo serious. I called two days later when I didn't hear from him, and he said he needed surgery. His intestines had collasped, and they had to take a part of them out! After his surgery someone stole his phone, and I didn't know if i should call the hospital to see if he was okay, or just let it be. After all it's not like we were dating. I asked my mom and she said call, and that he would apperiacte it. So i did, he could barely talk but said he was fine and would call me when he got home. He ended up being in the hospital for 23 days, and my mom died while he was there. Needless to say he was the last thing on my mind. But he got home on the 24th and texted me on a rather depressing Christmas day.. "marry christmas angel"I could not help but smile. I called him and he told me all about it, and wanted to see me as soon as he could. He sucked it up and came to New Year's Eve with me all doped up on pain medz. After that we were pretty inseperable. He brought a joy to my life that I didn't think I could feel without my mom. I was still miserable without her, but he gave me a few reasons to laugh a day, and eventually alot more reasons. He was there when I needed someone the most. He pushed me to get a new bed, because the old one was my moms and I had been sleeping on the living room fouton for about 2 months. He made me eat when I didn't want too, or felt like I didn't need too. He did so many things to help me grieve for mom, but most of all he just understood. In March he told me, if I hadn't of taken me to the hospital that night the doctors said he would have died. I never knew it was that bad. He told me I saved his life. He said he saved his son from having to go through what he did when he was younger. It was an amazing feeling, helping people alot of the time is one of the only thing that gives me joy. I actually saved a life! And I told him my mom was big part of it. I didn't know what to do, and I called her like I always did. So he said we saved his life:) After a few months we talked about it again, I told him what a better place I was at now, and how he was a big part of it. I can''t imagine how I would dealt with this without him. But I know I wouldn't have passed school, probs would have never gone out, or got out of bed, and I can only imagine how much weight I would have lost. Okay here is the corny part. We have decided. My mom helped me save his life, so he could be there to save mine, so we could be together to save each other. We are both still going through ALOT of things, and it helps to have that one person who loves you unconditionally. I can't imagine my life now without Nathan. He is my bestfriend, and all I could ask for in a boyfriend. Okay and here is the best part. My mom had many journals...and in one of them she wrote about how she was scared she would die before i was an adult, and I would have no one to live with cause my family is crazy. So the next line was.." I guess I'll just have to wait till she was some wonderful man to take care of her" Wow. Nathan came along at just the right time, I met him in Nov, during my moms countless hospital visits. I knew she was dying then, even before anyone told me. And it reaffirms what everyone tells me. That my mom would never leave me all alone. Nathan will never get the chance to meet my amazing mother, but I get to look at him and see her everyday. He gets to look at her pictures and know the huge role she played in his life without even knowing it. THAT my friend, beats the Notebook any day.

But I don't wannnna go to school....

This is my last week of summer class! And I think my last English class I am required to take. holla at datttt. I must say I'm quite proud of myself, I worked really hard even though everyone in my "group" came unprepared almost every class. I have an A right now, but it may turn into a B depending these last two papers. But as long as I do them, and get at least a low C, then a B is the lowest grade I can get. woot. Up, Up, Up GPA! Seriously, I don't see why I didn't take summer classes before? It's 5 weeks, and I'v found as long as you do your work and attend class it's an easy A/B. I'm glad to be focusing on school. Although, I wish I didn't let the not so good circumstances in my life effect my school for the past 2 years. But it's a learning experience, I have a better handle on my emotions & I feel despite what happens now and in the future I'm capable of overcoming and not crumbling to it. Nice feeling. 'Cause I am strongerrrrr than yesterdayyyy.' thanks bspeares. ha, okay that was realllyy bad. Sidenote: I'v become an extremely corny person lately? eh, it works.