I don't want to deal with how I feel right now. Or how I'm going to feel next Sunday. I want to just skip to maybe the end of Jan.

If I could only see you now.

I envision in my head what Thanksgiving would have been like with you. I am envisioning what this years Christmas would be like with you. You'd love Nathan's parents. You always wanted more kids and you'd loveee the children. I hate that you are missing so much. I hate you are missing so many things that would make you so happy. I know, that you are watching. But I wish you were here to enjoy them. You deserve to enjoy all the aspects of the holidays this year that I would enjoy. I imagine what the holidays would be like this year with you. I catch myself making believe you are here, and thinking how converstations would have gone. I catch myself pretending we are Christmas shopping, and being blown about all the people in the mall. I keep getting trapped in my head with thoughts of missing you, wishing you were here, pretending what it would be like with you here, and replaying our memories and the day you died. All in my head, amongst other things. So much is in my head, I can't believe I'm not crazy..(er?) I just wish you were here...I wish this ever happened. I wish this was still just some dream that took a year for me to wake up from. A year? It seems like forever. That is sad, I have so much more to do without you...a year seems like forever.

"Won't you enjoy this lonely sky with me, it will swallow us whole if we'd only let it."

sigh.

Is it weird to say I'm semi glad I've been depressed in the past so I know my warning signs? Well it's coming. I get really happy for a few days, super sensitive, and I over think EVERYTHING. I also surpress. It's strange, I can not be thinking about what I'm sad about and subconsciously become sad. Hard to explain. But I've been avoiding thinking about what this month means, and I realize today it's catching up with me. It puts strain on my school work, me and nathan, and everything...without me even realizing it, till it happens. I wish I could skip this month and this feeling.

I'm trying be proactive. Think postive.
1)School is pretty much done.
2)My college apps will be done by Monday.
3)I have meeting with the VP of UMBC Friday
4) Joshy's birthday is Saturday and we are going laser tag. ESX will be there, and they all brighten my days
5) Nathan's dad's birthday
6)Erinn's & Nicole's birthday
(I like birthdays and giving people stuff)

I just need to keep myself busy...not leave alot of time to think and think about all the joy I do have in my life and all the people that love me.

So much easier said than done.

I am thankful for...(a little late)

I have a final & 6 page paper due tomorrow. So clearly I am avoiding it. Bad, I know. Buttt despite my hate for the holidays..Thanksgiving was pretty good. (I've always like it better then Christmas) We had a 2 dinners at my Gpa's. My two aunts still are not on speaking terms, sad.
So me, Nathan, Joshyboy & Paula went to my Gpa's left, then Erinn & Carole came. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'd rather it be that, then a huge fight, tears and embarrassment in front of my boyfriend and his child.

After that me, Paula, Nathan & Josh went to Nathan's parent's house. I love the Bydume's they really make me feel like part of the family.We even brought Dallas. 1st thankgiving with the whole famy. The children are seriously some of the best kids I know. We had dinner, chatted, wined andd I played guitar hero with ESXJ for about two hours.
Then had sister time with Nikki, my bitty is crazay hilerious:) Me, Sydney, and Nikki watched the Beyonce holiday speical. IT WAS SO GOOD. And I came home and had snugs with my pooker. All in all good. I was just missing you.

I am SO thankful for:
My beautiful home, that my friends helped me with. I could not have done it without them.
All the support I got this year
My bestttfriends! Girlie's & Boys. I believe I truly have THE best friends
My boyfriend. I never expected to ever meet someone like him. I really didn't. We came together at horrible parts of each others lives, and made it work. I believe my mom left me with him so I would not feel so alone.
My wittle baby boyyy Dallas, and all his love.
My grades
My family, as crazy as they may be, and no matter how many holidays they have ruined I have to tell myself they do love me, and they loved my mom.
ESXJ<3 so many bad days, made better by them. & They don't even know it.
Mommie, I am so thankful you were here, so thankful you fought so long. So thankful for all you did & put up with. So thankful you loved me. So thankful you never judged me. So thankful for all our jokes and memories. So thankful for the strength you gave me. So thankful I get to call my mom, my best friend. So thankful for the role you played in helping me with my anxiety. So thankful for you never, never ever giving up on me. So thankful you always understood me, even when I know it was hard. So thankful you were always my mom, and NEVER a cancer patient. So thankful for you sending me dreams. So thankful you DEF played a role in my lastest allergic reaction. So thankful for the home you left me. So thankful for all your hard work in life. So thankful people say I remind them of you. So thankful for the lessons you taught while you were, here even while your gone, and the lessons I know you will teach me later. So thankful for everything you ever gave me and every thing you left me. I'm so thankful for you, and I always will be. I love you so much, and I wish you were here to hate on the holidays with me. <3