result of being to nice. (story of my life)

So as most anyone who has met me knows, I am deathly allergic to peanuts & all nut products. Did you know Almonds are not nuts? Well they aren't. Anyway my peanut allergies are basically a staple too me. Since I was about 5 I'd say I've had at least 10 allergic reactions (maybe more) to peanuts, milk, eggs, sulfa&penaclin (medicines).

Preschool. Sub teacher. Peanut butter & crackers, like EVERY kids fave right? Well I told the sub I was allergic but she didn't believe me. Yes when kids get older they use that excuse for foods they don't want, but come on a four year old? I feel like it would have been in her best interest to give me the benefit of the doubt and allow me to have some sliced apples or something. But she gave me my death crackers. I knew I should not eat them. My mom explained my allergies very very careful to me before school. She taught me the A B C's early mainly so I could read milk, egg, nut, peanut on the labels and stay away. She was a nurse and knew what was up. So I took a lick. One lick literally. Within few mins, I had hives all over my body, and was crying because my throat felt weird. Aka: It was closing up. 911 was called and I was rushed away to the hospital. Needless to say that sub lost her job at my hs. My mom was the sweetest person, but don't fuck around with me (or cutting in front of her in the gas line) she will be reallly pissed. Oh also I had to wear laminated index cards that stated my allergics & how to use an epi pen clipped to my clothest till 1st grade. cool right?

Some more? I asked my Gma what eggs tasted like when I was 6 or 7. She gave me a little little piece. Hospital post haste. (my gma was kind of spacey) My aunt had me carry a bag of peanuts to the care. 1hr later. hives. + epi pen+ PISSED off mom because apprently no one in my family takes my allergies seriously. Senior Banquet. Ate, danced standing in line for pictures 2 hours later and itchy my head like crazy. I thought I was just sweaty. Then itching my arms, then seeing hives. Me and Will had got in a fight 5 mins before. surprise surprise. I told him I felt itchy and that I felt like I couldn't breathe. He thought I was more or less doing it for his attention. faggot. So I started to panic. I think that was my first panic attack. I could feel my thoart closing and called my mom. I was crying and saying I couldn't breathe. She calmed me down and told me if I'm talking I'm breathing but to call 911. I really didn't want to call 911 infront of my whole fucking senior class, but I did. By this time the banquet is over and I'm out in the lobby as my whole class is filing out crying, panicing and itchy. I literally feel myself not being able to breathe. Then a teacher says she has an epi pen. ( I learned how to inject myself when I was like 6, badass I know) BUT Mrs. Dixon said I was a minor and could not accept medicine without my moms consent. I felt really trapped and at the same time wanted to punch her. BITCH I can't breathe!!! The EMT's come and by this time I can't talk because my thoart is closed up so much. They give me 2 injections of bendadryl and it's a really weird feeling you can feel the medz go through your veins but it makes you kinda jumpy like you're having a seizure(oh ps: EMT's don't care epi pens. wtf) They rush me too the hospital and my mom meets me there. Our banquet was in bumfuck so the hospital was like 20 mins away. That was the first time I had ever been scared. They had happened so many times I was really chill about it. Needle, Bendryl pills, inhaler, hospital if needed. But this time I couldn't breathe. But thank god got there, was okay. I never figured out what I ate, and my mom never figured out why Mrs. Dixion was such a fucking dumbass. If I had an Epi Pen it would not have been so bad, the EMT later told me, they made it to the hospital just in time because I started turning pale and shit.

Well. I was hoping that with the exception of my freshmen year allergic reactions I could leave that stuff in the past. And I had. Then me & nathan let his God sister and now close friend of mine stay with us till she got another job. Well not only did she blow of job interviews for modeling ones (she is 5'4 in heels) she was just wearing out her welcome. Then she brings her 4 yr old son over every saturday. Now I lovee kids. But I hate kids that are brats. And he is a brat, but I guess I can't blame him because all our friend did was sit and smoke weed while he ran around and pissed the sit out of me and Nathan. Well she asked if he can have a pb&j sandwich. I saw yes because when me & Nathan watch Sidney, Ericka & Xaiver (5, 9,6) he makes them pb&j, cleans up the counter explains to them my allergry and don't touch anything or me till they wash there hands. No incidents. So I remind her of this. Well she makes him is pb&j, and goes back upstairs two hrs later I see the sandwich is still on the counter and I'm irriated. So Nathan throws it away.

Next day. Weird day. You know those days that are so out of your normal routine they seem strange? Not big things just out of the your mundane routine. Well we wake up early (strange) take our puppy to vet (we've only had him 2 days so still gettin used to him). Then Nathan was supposed to take my to my dr so I can get a note for being sick the last week, buttt we forget and re remembers before I have to go to class. I begg him to take me and to take me to school. And he was like "you have plenty of time" which i did. But I hatteee driving and I'm a brat. So I begged and begged. He caved. flove him. But usually when he says no to something he means it. So I was really surprised. We get to school early, and ususally if he drops me off and I'm early he just leaves and I study alone at the library because I hate everyone at HCC. sorry. Well he goes "it's nice out, lets get coffee" (strange) we do and then all of sudden "lock down drill" wtf we are in college. And nathan was like uhh fuck that I don't go to school here. We escape by saying we both don't go to school here and go sit on our car and have some ciggs. 5 sips into my sbux I feel weird, like my eye feels like there is something in it. And I ask Nate if there is, and he says no. 5 more sips, and I'm like okay time to go to class. (this is my FIRST day back after being sick for a week) I take a few steps swallow and basically say fuck lets go. Before I got home from HCC my face was complelty swollen, like it looks like someone beat the shit out of me. I can barely talk. I'm really scared, but I could see Nathan was really really scared (never happened before with him) I stay calm, if you freak out it happens faster. It's such a bad feeling to feel yourself literally losing the ability to take in air. We get to the house. Needle, Pill, laying down. It stopped getting worse, but it didn't get better. Hospital. I run into the hospital and obviously skip triage. I tell the women what happened & told her I what I did. (She was REALLY impressed, which I've noticed most people are. They always say they get people here who don't use there needles..wtf) My mom taught me how when I was young, gave me fake ones so I could show camp conselors how too, it seemed very routine for me. But apprently I am not the norm. So Benadryl, Oxygen. Nathan is so scared, but livid because he said while I was using my epi pen, he saw a smear of something, scratched it off and it was pb, of course right where I had eatten lunch. yes that allergic. Our friend calls my phone to see if I can pick her up and Nathan explains I'm in the hospital could have died and it's her falut. He then explains she has to move out. He picks her up and she is more concerened about moving out then my well being. Oh mean while I am dealing with drs asking "did you know you're allergic" always happens, and for some reason really fuckin annoying, because when I tell them yes. The next question is "why did you eat" JAGALUM do you thinkk I would vountarly put myself through this. Oh also the nurse stabbed the shit out of my arm for the IV and my arm was gushing blood. So I recover, Hassan picks me up cause Nathan is with our friend packin her shit. I wanted her to be gone before I got there, but of course she wasn't. I walk in expecting a huge parade of sorrys. This bitch is on the phone and doesn't look at me, say anything, nothing. I wait. She gets off the phone and talks to Hassan like nothing was wrong. I was in shock, and wanted to go off. But was toooo druged up. I went upstairs and went to sleep. Bitch. Nathan dropped her ass off, and I hope I never meet someone so inconsiderate again. All she had to do was clean up her shit. How do 3 kids manage this but an adult can't? I bought this bitch food, I let her stay at my house, I let her borrow my car...and she can't even aplogize for I don't know.. almost fucking killing me. I am too nice.

But when I got home and became less pissed. I thought about the chain of events that happened, and how they were so out of the ordinary, I then thought about how well my mom prepared me for my allergys/reactions. How she taught me how to stay calm and do what I needed to do. Then remembered I had just got that epi pen cause of my sick visit at the dr. I would not have had it if i didn't go and ask for a refill on my way out. Everything seemed to have worked in my favor that day. And I can't thank anyone else but my mom. Since I was little she made sure I would be okay because she could not be around me everytime food was consumed. And I guess she is still making sure I'm okay even when she isn't here. Despite me still being REALLY mad at this bitch. I finally believe my mom is still looking out for me, and she is always making sure I'm okay.
..

A's A's A's....mmm A's...i lovee A's!!!
This weekend is about to...tighhhtt.
Plus I can cross off a thing I had on one of my lists of stuff to do soon... joshy boy today&all weekend. & Eff the play off's..DALLAS this weekend- crush Atlanta.

mom,

I wish I had someone to talk to about how I'm feeling. This appears to be the 2nd night of crying myself to sleep. I hate that. Pook is sleeping on the couch for now cause he is pretty sick and does not want to get me sick and is up coughing most of the night. I want to tell him how sad I am, and that I want him to sleep with me so I don't have to cry alone. But I can't afford to get sick, and it's time I learn to deal with these feelings without him carrying me through them. Plus he is sick and stressed and I refuse to add more to his plate, despite the fact Ithink he knows there is something going on. I can't get all the thoughts out of my head. I keep re playing the night you died and I hate doing it. But I can't help it, it's like it's complusive. I can feel myself getting depressed. It's an interesting feeling. I can just feel it all of a sudden. It's honestly like all your insides begin to sag. I want to go to therapy, at least I can get it out. I need to stay focused with school. I won't let myself drink this weekend because I end up hung over all day & don't do shit. Nothing but school this weekend, no matter how depressed I feel or how much I feel like I don't care. I never want to get missing you out of my head or heart. I wish I could miss you, without feeling like laying in bed all day though. I don't know when that will happen. I hate needing to talk to someone about things I only shared or talked about with you. I miss you so much. Can you send me a good and happy dream about you or us. I keep having bad ones.

i can take the rain on this empty house.
that don't bother me.
i can take a few tears every now&then
and just let em out
i'm not afraid to cry
every once in awhile
even though going on
with you gone still upsets me.
there are days enow and again i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me.
what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
& watching you walk away
and never know what could have been.
and not seeing that loving you, was what i was trying to do.

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
but i'm doing it.
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends
and i'm alone.
still harder, getting up
getting dressed
living with this regret.
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

all the music is sad again.

I need to sleep. I'm awake and I need to sleep. I wish I could skip these next few months. All year I got to remember you being here this time last year. But in a few months I'll just have all the memories I play back in my head of you being in and out the hospital. You telling me you were dying. The night you died. Oct 25th is your birthday. Thanksgiving was the last holiday I got to spend with you. And this Christmas will be a depressing one no doubt. I can't believe you'v been gone almost a year. I know you'd be proud of me. But I know you know how sad I am everyday. I'v been good at hiding my sadness. I hate for people to see me weak, I hate to cry when there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. So for the most part I make myself appear happy even on the days I'm not. I guess that is something I learned from you. Lately my heart has been hurting alot more. But I won't let anyone see it. I'll continue to keeping laughing, because if I stop, I'll stop. It's really tiring though, but I'd rather everyone think I was at least doing okay, then see how sad I am. I don't know you lived with your depression for so long, but still being my mom and doing so much, and making me so happy and never becoming a cancer patient and always being my mom. I'm not as strong as you. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about how sad I feel. I know that doesn't make sense.

I have Nathan, and I have you to thank for that. He's my saving grace and has helped fill my heart a little bit. He's why I've made it this year. But he can't replace you, and I feel bad dumping my sadness on him now. I've done it for a year and I know it's okay cause he loves me. But with all the stuff going on with him and Josh I feel like it's my turn to be strong. I really don't know if I can. Why can't you come back?

I descended a dusty gravel ridge
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge
Until I eventually arrived
At the place where your soul had died

Barefoot in the shallow creek
I grabbed some stones from underneath
And waited for you to speak to me

And the silence, it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

Then it started getting dark
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I must assume was the case with you



I love you, I miss you more than anything can express. I'm going to sleep now, because I have a test tomorrow and I need to wake up to study. And all my A's are for you. (Even though it's so hard to enjoy them)