It's been awhile, but this is one of those time I have toooo many thoughts. So many going on at once, and all of them random.
I saw Miss Linda today, she is one of the only "original" silver sprucers left. She knew my mom very well. I remember the day her husband died, I was in 5th grade, one year before I found out my mom had cancer. Mr. Bill, was great one of those people you want as your neighbor type guy. I went to the funeral, and it was so...interesting to me. I was so young, I couldn't really grasp the concept of death. I remember their son, Jason. He was like 3 or 4 yrs old then us and took one the role of being the older one, and always had something new for us try...ya know be be guns, going in the woods, or places in the neighborhood we know we shouldn't. I remember him at the funeral, he had given his dad CPR, but his dad died before the ambulance got there. I remember wondering what it felt like to be him. He got older, moved out did his own thing. His mom was never really the same again, I think she is still on a lot of medicine and never really got over her husbands death. But I saw them today...for Easter. They were all dressed up and leaving Miss Linda's house. I saw Jason, and he looks so different(as I'm sure he felt I did) He looked just happy. And he has about years to move on from his dad's death, but it makes me think...how will I look years later. I know he still misses his dad, but in what kind of way? We had this weird moment of looking at each other, because we even though we were years apart...hadn't seen each other in over 10 years, we had at one point in our lives felt the same exact pain.I could tell he was thinking it, and so was I. Jason looked good though, his gf seemed nice. Done.
Cory & Michelle came this weekend. It was SO much fun, and I miss them so much. I miss having girl friends to hang out with all the time. Go to lunch, sit around, drink with, be hung over with. We always pick up right where we left off, and we can always be there for each other. My friends here are wonderful. But we are all busy, and I miss just having a close knit friend group. I rely on Hassan to much I think. I felt so lonely after they left. I miss them so much already and wish we could hang out more. I'm certainly going to go down soon. I literally wish I could go next weekend, and probably would if I didn't have a test. But Cory graduates in May, so I may go up there to celebrate with her. Regardless I'll be over soon, and I can't wait. Me and Michelle sat in her car, and listened to music and vented and cried (lol good crys) and did what we used to do at the Old Zoo when we were all fucked up and life was crazy. I miss that alot. Alex and hopefully Emily come in two weeks. I can't wait, but i hate feeling so sad when they leave. :(
Nathan- had a job interview Friday and I want him to get this more then ever. Every problem we have will be gone. He will go back to himself. I can go back to myself. We can go back to ourselves. It's been so hard watching him be so sad, and be so powerless. He said it went well, and wow the difference in him this weekend after just going to the interview and feeling good about it was remarkable. That is how I know things will get better.
Sometimes I feel more lonely then I think I should. I complain and cry about it, but I think for once I will work harder to change it. I'm going to start doing more, seeing more friends despite there distance. I always have so much fun when I do. I'm going to start being ouuttsideeee for as much time as I can, as I know the sun is better then prozac. I think I'm going to go down to S. Md Friday-Saturday and have some girl time with Rach & Kt. I'm gonna maybe start seeing Emily more often like we used too. Nathan is right, I have alot of friends...and even if they aren't in bville I should start making an effort.
I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive.
Somehow everything always relates back to that.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I'm always right.
once i have made up my mind about something, meeting someone half way is extremely hard for me. it's the curse of the Thompson family, when we are right, we are RIGHT. It hasn't really affected many relationships I've had because it takes me such a long time to take a stand on things.
But after dating Nathan, for a year and living with him for the past six months. Has really made me take a look at that aspect of my thinking. I always hate nagging girlfriends, and don't feel like I am. But for some things I don't think I took into account how he feels as a man, and how he has been for the best 27 years of his life. And all I ask him to do.
Not that we were doing bad, but Nov/Dec before Christmas was rocky for us. I think we both began to expect the other to be...I don't know the word prefect? It's hard to explain. But with the new year, as cliche as it is, we have really made an effort to make small changes that will better our relationship. Example. One night he stayed out all night, didn't call, didn't do anything. I was livid, sad and extremely hurt. When he called, I screamed and yelled, and when he got home I was so angry I kicked over a fan and broke it. He was genuinely sorry, and I still maintain I had every right to be mad. I never really understood though how he could not have felt like it was okay, which hurt me even more. I felt like he completely disregarded me, and our relationship. It wasn't until me, his friend Adub, and his sister were talking this month that I could actually see his side. His friend was saying how he is isn't ready for a gf, because he can't handle the "nagging" feeling of letting someone know where he is, what he is doing and when he will be back. I was interested to see what Nathan had to say. And he said to him it's not nagging, it's a curitsy. He isn't used to it yet in all forms because he's never been in a realtionship like this and has been dating for 10 years and this IS only our firsts year. I kind of realize how that he has made a huge adjustment in the life he has always led. For the first time he's not in trouble, for the first time he's not as strip clubs every night, for the first time he is really being the person he has wanted to be. And while all those things are positives, it's new for him. I don't know, I think sometimes I expect more then it is fair too. And I finally realize when he does stuff like that, that I think is so mean and shitty, it's not he is disregarding my feelings completely he, he genuinely isn't used to the life style we have shared. And in a way I'm not either. I'm not used to living such a "domestic" life. I'm not used to not living a dingy college house, and sometimes I forget to do really simple things that you get away with when living with 4 other people. He's stepped into my shoes and realized I've only lived with my mom, and a group of girls.
Basically, we have realized we need to let some stuff go. EVEN when one of us is right, we don't always have to be RIGHT. Thats it. I feel like that is what truely loving a significant other is...that even when you are right, you need to step into the others shoes, look at the through their eyes and try and understand their point of view. Then I think you need to pick and choose the things to just let go.
Tonight he went out with the his friends. And I got this text. "Ok, I am going to go out. Should be back round 230ish, but i'll keep you posted love. Is it okay if Jamel and Hassan come by after?" Just that makes me feel so much better about him going out. And I realized I kind would passively put him on a guilt trip when he went out with his friends. But it was because he often would let me down, in what I thought he needed to be doing when he went out. He didn't realize that was the only reason. I sent back. "Ok! have a goooood time pooker. thank you:) yea, I should be up, but call me before so if i'm asleep on the couch i'll go upstairs" reply: "okie dokie", replay: "xoxo", reply" xoxoxoxoxooxox backk"
Him doing a small things (that he isn't used to, and I know sometimes heeee thinks is pointless, inturn made me feel okay with him being out, and not feeling on edge/ kinda mad, which made him feel not guilty about being out...which makes for two happy people.
Random thoughts, but just that concept of letting a few things go has already made up for alot of the bad shit that happened in Nov/ Early Dec.
But after dating Nathan, for a year and living with him for the past six months. Has really made me take a look at that aspect of my thinking. I always hate nagging girlfriends, and don't feel like I am. But for some things I don't think I took into account how he feels as a man, and how he has been for the best 27 years of his life. And all I ask him to do.
Not that we were doing bad, but Nov/Dec before Christmas was rocky for us. I think we both began to expect the other to be...I don't know the word prefect? It's hard to explain. But with the new year, as cliche as it is, we have really made an effort to make small changes that will better our relationship. Example. One night he stayed out all night, didn't call, didn't do anything. I was livid, sad and extremely hurt. When he called, I screamed and yelled, and when he got home I was so angry I kicked over a fan and broke it. He was genuinely sorry, and I still maintain I had every right to be mad. I never really understood though how he could not have felt like it was okay, which hurt me even more. I felt like he completely disregarded me, and our relationship. It wasn't until me, his friend Adub, and his sister were talking this month that I could actually see his side. His friend was saying how he is isn't ready for a gf, because he can't handle the "nagging" feeling of letting someone know where he is, what he is doing and when he will be back. I was interested to see what Nathan had to say. And he said to him it's not nagging, it's a curitsy. He isn't used to it yet in all forms because he's never been in a realtionship like this and has been dating for 10 years and this IS only our firsts year. I kind of realize how that he has made a huge adjustment in the life he has always led. For the first time he's not in trouble, for the first time he's not as strip clubs every night, for the first time he is really being the person he has wanted to be. And while all those things are positives, it's new for him. I don't know, I think sometimes I expect more then it is fair too. And I finally realize when he does stuff like that, that I think is so mean and shitty, it's not he is disregarding my feelings completely he, he genuinely isn't used to the life style we have shared. And in a way I'm not either. I'm not used to living such a "domestic" life. I'm not used to not living a dingy college house, and sometimes I forget to do really simple things that you get away with when living with 4 other people. He's stepped into my shoes and realized I've only lived with my mom, and a group of girls.
Basically, we have realized we need to let some stuff go. EVEN when one of us is right, we don't always have to be RIGHT. Thats it. I feel like that is what truely loving a significant other is...that even when you are right, you need to step into the others shoes, look at the through their eyes and try and understand their point of view. Then I think you need to pick and choose the things to just let go.
Tonight he went out with the his friends. And I got this text. "Ok, I am going to go out. Should be back round 230ish, but i'll keep you posted love. Is it okay if Jamel and Hassan come by after?" Just that makes me feel so much better about him going out. And I realized I kind would passively put him on a guilt trip when he went out with his friends. But it was because he often would let me down, in what I thought he needed to be doing when he went out. He didn't realize that was the only reason. I sent back. "Ok! have a goooood time pooker. thank you:) yea, I should be up, but call me before so if i'm asleep on the couch i'll go upstairs" reply: "okie dokie", replay: "xoxo", reply" xoxoxoxoxooxox backk"
Him doing a small things (that he isn't used to, and I know sometimes heeee thinks is pointless, inturn made me feel okay with him being out, and not feeling on edge/ kinda mad, which made him feel not guilty about being out...which makes for two happy people.
Random thoughts, but just that concept of letting a few things go has already made up for alot of the bad shit that happened in Nov/ Early Dec.
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