It's been awhile, but this is one of those time I have toooo many thoughts. So many going on at once, and all of them random.
I saw Miss Linda today, she is one of the only "original" silver sprucers left. She knew my mom very well. I remember the day her husband died, I was in 5th grade, one year before I found out my mom had cancer. Mr. Bill, was great one of those people you want as your neighbor type guy. I went to the funeral, and it was so...interesting to me. I was so young, I couldn't really grasp the concept of death. I remember their son, Jason. He was like 3 or 4 yrs old then us and took one the role of being the older one, and always had something new for us try...ya know be be guns, going in the woods, or places in the neighborhood we know we shouldn't. I remember him at the funeral, he had given his dad CPR, but his dad died before the ambulance got there. I remember wondering what it felt like to be him. He got older, moved out did his own thing. His mom was never really the same again, I think she is still on a lot of medicine and never really got over her husbands death. But I saw them today...for Easter. They were all dressed up and leaving Miss Linda's house. I saw Jason, and he looks so different(as I'm sure he felt I did) He looked just happy. And he has about years to move on from his dad's death, but it makes me think...how will I look years later. I know he still misses his dad, but in what kind of way? We had this weird moment of looking at each other, because we even though we were years apart...hadn't seen each other in over 10 years, we had at one point in our lives felt the same exact pain.I could tell he was thinking it, and so was I. Jason looked good though, his gf seemed nice. Done.
Cory & Michelle came this weekend. It was SO much fun, and I miss them so much. I miss having girl friends to hang out with all the time. Go to lunch, sit around, drink with, be hung over with. We always pick up right where we left off, and we can always be there for each other. My friends here are wonderful. But we are all busy, and I miss just having a close knit friend group. I rely on Hassan to much I think. I felt so lonely after they left. I miss them so much already and wish we could hang out more. I'm certainly going to go down soon. I literally wish I could go next weekend, and probably would if I didn't have a test. But Cory graduates in May, so I may go up there to celebrate with her. Regardless I'll be over soon, and I can't wait. Me and Michelle sat in her car, and listened to music and vented and cried (lol good crys) and did what we used to do at the Old Zoo when we were all fucked up and life was crazy. I miss that alot. Alex and hopefully Emily come in two weeks. I can't wait, but i hate feeling so sad when they leave. :(
Nathan- had a job interview Friday and I want him to get this more then ever. Every problem we have will be gone. He will go back to himself. I can go back to myself. We can go back to ourselves. It's been so hard watching him be so sad, and be so powerless. He said it went well, and wow the difference in him this weekend after just going to the interview and feeling good about it was remarkable. That is how I know things will get better.
Sometimes I feel more lonely then I think I should. I complain and cry about it, but I think for once I will work harder to change it. I'm going to start doing more, seeing more friends despite there distance. I always have so much fun when I do. I'm going to start being ouuttsideeee for as much time as I can, as I know the sun is better then prozac. I think I'm going to go down to S. Md Friday-Saturday and have some girl time with Rach & Kt. I'm gonna maybe start seeing Emily more often like we used too. Nathan is right, I have alot of friends...and even if they aren't in bville I should start making an effort.
I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive.
Somehow everything always relates back to that.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I'm always right.
once i have made up my mind about something, meeting someone half way is extremely hard for me. it's the curse of the Thompson family, when we are right, we are RIGHT. It hasn't really affected many relationships I've had because it takes me such a long time to take a stand on things.
But after dating Nathan, for a year and living with him for the past six months. Has really made me take a look at that aspect of my thinking. I always hate nagging girlfriends, and don't feel like I am. But for some things I don't think I took into account how he feels as a man, and how he has been for the best 27 years of his life. And all I ask him to do.
Not that we were doing bad, but Nov/Dec before Christmas was rocky for us. I think we both began to expect the other to be...I don't know the word prefect? It's hard to explain. But with the new year, as cliche as it is, we have really made an effort to make small changes that will better our relationship. Example. One night he stayed out all night, didn't call, didn't do anything. I was livid, sad and extremely hurt. When he called, I screamed and yelled, and when he got home I was so angry I kicked over a fan and broke it. He was genuinely sorry, and I still maintain I had every right to be mad. I never really understood though how he could not have felt like it was okay, which hurt me even more. I felt like he completely disregarded me, and our relationship. It wasn't until me, his friend Adub, and his sister were talking this month that I could actually see his side. His friend was saying how he is isn't ready for a gf, because he can't handle the "nagging" feeling of letting someone know where he is, what he is doing and when he will be back. I was interested to see what Nathan had to say. And he said to him it's not nagging, it's a curitsy. He isn't used to it yet in all forms because he's never been in a realtionship like this and has been dating for 10 years and this IS only our firsts year. I kind of realize how that he has made a huge adjustment in the life he has always led. For the first time he's not in trouble, for the first time he's not as strip clubs every night, for the first time he is really being the person he has wanted to be. And while all those things are positives, it's new for him. I don't know, I think sometimes I expect more then it is fair too. And I finally realize when he does stuff like that, that I think is so mean and shitty, it's not he is disregarding my feelings completely he, he genuinely isn't used to the life style we have shared. And in a way I'm not either. I'm not used to living such a "domestic" life. I'm not used to not living a dingy college house, and sometimes I forget to do really simple things that you get away with when living with 4 other people. He's stepped into my shoes and realized I've only lived with my mom, and a group of girls.
Basically, we have realized we need to let some stuff go. EVEN when one of us is right, we don't always have to be RIGHT. Thats it. I feel like that is what truely loving a significant other is...that even when you are right, you need to step into the others shoes, look at the through their eyes and try and understand their point of view. Then I think you need to pick and choose the things to just let go.
Tonight he went out with the his friends. And I got this text. "Ok, I am going to go out. Should be back round 230ish, but i'll keep you posted love. Is it okay if Jamel and Hassan come by after?" Just that makes me feel so much better about him going out. And I realized I kind would passively put him on a guilt trip when he went out with his friends. But it was because he often would let me down, in what I thought he needed to be doing when he went out. He didn't realize that was the only reason. I sent back. "Ok! have a goooood time pooker. thank you:) yea, I should be up, but call me before so if i'm asleep on the couch i'll go upstairs" reply: "okie dokie", replay: "xoxo", reply" xoxoxoxoxooxox backk"
Him doing a small things (that he isn't used to, and I know sometimes heeee thinks is pointless, inturn made me feel okay with him being out, and not feeling on edge/ kinda mad, which made him feel not guilty about being out...which makes for two happy people.
Random thoughts, but just that concept of letting a few things go has already made up for alot of the bad shit that happened in Nov/ Early Dec.
But after dating Nathan, for a year and living with him for the past six months. Has really made me take a look at that aspect of my thinking. I always hate nagging girlfriends, and don't feel like I am. But for some things I don't think I took into account how he feels as a man, and how he has been for the best 27 years of his life. And all I ask him to do.
Not that we were doing bad, but Nov/Dec before Christmas was rocky for us. I think we both began to expect the other to be...I don't know the word prefect? It's hard to explain. But with the new year, as cliche as it is, we have really made an effort to make small changes that will better our relationship. Example. One night he stayed out all night, didn't call, didn't do anything. I was livid, sad and extremely hurt. When he called, I screamed and yelled, and when he got home I was so angry I kicked over a fan and broke it. He was genuinely sorry, and I still maintain I had every right to be mad. I never really understood though how he could not have felt like it was okay, which hurt me even more. I felt like he completely disregarded me, and our relationship. It wasn't until me, his friend Adub, and his sister were talking this month that I could actually see his side. His friend was saying how he is isn't ready for a gf, because he can't handle the "nagging" feeling of letting someone know where he is, what he is doing and when he will be back. I was interested to see what Nathan had to say. And he said to him it's not nagging, it's a curitsy. He isn't used to it yet in all forms because he's never been in a realtionship like this and has been dating for 10 years and this IS only our firsts year. I kind of realize how that he has made a huge adjustment in the life he has always led. For the first time he's not in trouble, for the first time he's not as strip clubs every night, for the first time he is really being the person he has wanted to be. And while all those things are positives, it's new for him. I don't know, I think sometimes I expect more then it is fair too. And I finally realize when he does stuff like that, that I think is so mean and shitty, it's not he is disregarding my feelings completely he, he genuinely isn't used to the life style we have shared. And in a way I'm not either. I'm not used to living such a "domestic" life. I'm not used to not living a dingy college house, and sometimes I forget to do really simple things that you get away with when living with 4 other people. He's stepped into my shoes and realized I've only lived with my mom, and a group of girls.
Basically, we have realized we need to let some stuff go. EVEN when one of us is right, we don't always have to be RIGHT. Thats it. I feel like that is what truely loving a significant other is...that even when you are right, you need to step into the others shoes, look at the through their eyes and try and understand their point of view. Then I think you need to pick and choose the things to just let go.
Tonight he went out with the his friends. And I got this text. "Ok, I am going to go out. Should be back round 230ish, but i'll keep you posted love. Is it okay if Jamel and Hassan come by after?" Just that makes me feel so much better about him going out. And I realized I kind would passively put him on a guilt trip when he went out with his friends. But it was because he often would let me down, in what I thought he needed to be doing when he went out. He didn't realize that was the only reason. I sent back. "Ok! have a goooood time pooker. thank you:) yea, I should be up, but call me before so if i'm asleep on the couch i'll go upstairs" reply: "okie dokie", replay: "xoxo", reply" xoxoxoxoxooxox backk"
Him doing a small things (that he isn't used to, and I know sometimes heeee thinks is pointless, inturn made me feel okay with him being out, and not feeling on edge/ kinda mad, which made him feel not guilty about being out...which makes for two happy people.
Random thoughts, but just that concept of letting a few things go has already made up for alot of the bad shit that happened in Nov/ Early Dec.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
If I could only see you now.
I envision in my head what Thanksgiving would have been like with you. I am envisioning what this years Christmas would be like with you. You'd love Nathan's parents. You always wanted more kids and you'd loveee the children. I hate that you are missing so much. I hate you are missing so many things that would make you so happy. I know, that you are watching. But I wish you were here to enjoy them. You deserve to enjoy all the aspects of the holidays this year that I would enjoy. I imagine what the holidays would be like this year with you. I catch myself making believe you are here, and thinking how converstations would have gone. I catch myself pretending we are Christmas shopping, and being blown about all the people in the mall. I keep getting trapped in my head with thoughts of missing you, wishing you were here, pretending what it would be like with you here, and replaying our memories and the day you died. All in my head, amongst other things. So much is in my head, I can't believe I'm not crazy..(er?) I just wish you were here...I wish this ever happened. I wish this was still just some dream that took a year for me to wake up from. A year? It seems like forever. That is sad, I have so much more to do without you...a year seems like forever.
"Won't you enjoy this lonely sky with me, it will swallow us whole if we'd only let it."
"Won't you enjoy this lonely sky with me, it will swallow us whole if we'd only let it."
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
sigh.
Is it weird to say I'm semi glad I've been depressed in the past so I know my warning signs? Well it's coming. I get really happy for a few days, super sensitive, and I over think EVERYTHING. I also surpress. It's strange, I can not be thinking about what I'm sad about and subconsciously become sad. Hard to explain. But I've been avoiding thinking about what this month means, and I realize today it's catching up with me. It puts strain on my school work, me and nathan, and everything...without me even realizing it, till it happens. I wish I could skip this month and this feeling.
I'm trying be proactive. Think postive.
1)School is pretty much done.
2)My college apps will be done by Monday.
3)I have meeting with the VP of UMBC Friday
4) Joshy's birthday is Saturday and we are going laser tag. ESX will be there, and they all brighten my days
5) Nathan's dad's birthday
6)Erinn's & Nicole's birthday
(I like birthdays and giving people stuff)
I just need to keep myself busy...not leave alot of time to think and think about all the joy I do have in my life and all the people that love me.
So much easier said than done.
I'm trying be proactive. Think postive.
1)School is pretty much done.
2)My college apps will be done by Monday.
3)I have meeting with the VP of UMBC Friday
4) Joshy's birthday is Saturday and we are going laser tag. ESX will be there, and they all brighten my days
5) Nathan's dad's birthday
6)Erinn's & Nicole's birthday
(I like birthdays and giving people stuff)
I just need to keep myself busy...not leave alot of time to think and think about all the joy I do have in my life and all the people that love me.
So much easier said than done.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I am thankful for...(a little late)
I have a final & 6 page paper due tomorrow. So clearly I am avoiding it. Bad, I know. Buttt despite my hate for the holidays..Thanksgiving was pretty good. (I've always like it better then Christmas) We had a 2 dinners at my Gpa's. My two aunts still are not on speaking terms, sad.
So me, Nathan, Joshyboy & Paula went to my Gpa's left, then Erinn & Carole came. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'd rather it be that, then a huge fight, tears and embarrassment in front of my boyfriend and his child.
After that me, Paula, Nathan & Josh went to Nathan's parent's house. I love the Bydume's they really make me feel like part of the family.We even brought Dallas. 1st thankgiving with the whole famy. The children are seriously some of the best kids I know. We had dinner, chatted, wined andd I played guitar hero with ESXJ for about two hours.
Then had sister time with Nikki, my bitty is crazay hilerious:) Me, Sydney, and Nikki watched the Beyonce holiday speical. IT WAS SO GOOD. And I came home and had snugs with my pooker. All in all good. I was just missing you.
I am SO thankful for:
My beautiful home, that my friends helped me with. I could not have done it without them.
All the support I got this year
My bestttfriends! Girlie's & Boys. I believe I truly have THE best friends
My boyfriend. I never expected to ever meet someone like him. I really didn't. We came together at horrible parts of each others lives, and made it work. I believe my mom left me with him so I would not feel so alone.
My wittle baby boyyy Dallas, and all his love.
My grades
My family, as crazy as they may be, and no matter how many holidays they have ruined I have to tell myself they do love me, and they loved my mom.
ESXJ<3 so many bad days, made better by them. & They don't even know it.
Mommie, I am so thankful you were here, so thankful you fought so long. So thankful for all you did & put up with. So thankful you loved me. So thankful you never judged me. So thankful for all our jokes and memories. So thankful for the strength you gave me. So thankful I get to call my mom, my best friend. So thankful for the role you played in helping me with my anxiety. So thankful for you never, never ever giving up on me. So thankful you always understood me, even when I know it was hard. So thankful you were always my mom, and NEVER a cancer patient. So thankful for you sending me dreams. So thankful you DEF played a role in my lastest allergic reaction. So thankful for the home you left me. So thankful for all your hard work in life. So thankful people say I remind them of you. So thankful for the lessons you taught while you were, here even while your gone, and the lessons I know you will teach me later. So thankful for everything you ever gave me and every thing you left me. I'm so thankful for you, and I always will be. I love you so much, and I wish you were here to hate on the holidays with me. <3
So me, Nathan, Joshyboy & Paula went to my Gpa's left, then Erinn & Carole came. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'd rather it be that, then a huge fight, tears and embarrassment in front of my boyfriend and his child.
After that me, Paula, Nathan & Josh went to Nathan's parent's house. I love the Bydume's they really make me feel like part of the family.We even brought Dallas. 1st thankgiving with the whole famy. The children are seriously some of the best kids I know. We had dinner, chatted, wined andd I played guitar hero with ESXJ for about two hours.
Then had sister time with Nikki, my bitty is crazay hilerious:) Me, Sydney, and Nikki watched the Beyonce holiday speical. IT WAS SO GOOD. And I came home and had snugs with my pooker. All in all good. I was just missing you.
I am SO thankful for:
My beautiful home, that my friends helped me with. I could not have done it without them.
All the support I got this year
My bestttfriends! Girlie's & Boys. I believe I truly have THE best friends
My boyfriend. I never expected to ever meet someone like him. I really didn't. We came together at horrible parts of each others lives, and made it work. I believe my mom left me with him so I would not feel so alone.
My wittle baby boyyy Dallas, and all his love.
My grades
My family, as crazy as they may be, and no matter how many holidays they have ruined I have to tell myself they do love me, and they loved my mom.
ESXJ<3 so many bad days, made better by them. & They don't even know it.
Mommie, I am so thankful you were here, so thankful you fought so long. So thankful for all you did & put up with. So thankful you loved me. So thankful you never judged me. So thankful for all our jokes and memories. So thankful for the strength you gave me. So thankful I get to call my mom, my best friend. So thankful for the role you played in helping me with my anxiety. So thankful for you never, never ever giving up on me. So thankful you always understood me, even when I know it was hard. So thankful you were always my mom, and NEVER a cancer patient. So thankful for you sending me dreams. So thankful you DEF played a role in my lastest allergic reaction. So thankful for the home you left me. So thankful for all your hard work in life. So thankful people say I remind them of you. So thankful for the lessons you taught while you were, here even while your gone, and the lessons I know you will teach me later. So thankful for everything you ever gave me and every thing you left me. I'm so thankful for you, and I always will be. I love you so much, and I wish you were here to hate on the holidays with me. <3
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
grinchy grince.
Ok, I know who hates Christmas & Thanksgiving ugh, meeeeee. I can't help it. I must say over the past two years I have become slightly less cynical..slightly. But I can't help it. Holiday cheer can be so annoying. Now I'm not the devil, I support the children & there christmas fun. I don't run around telling them there is no Santa. And I don't knock anyone for Christmas spirit. Do what ya do. But I think Christmas Carols are soooo annoying. And I hate Christmas Carol covers even more. And people that wear Christmas sweaters all of Dec and red & green..ick. Those are such an ugly combination of colors.
I think that this is a combination of my dysfunctional family + it's sooooo commerical. Why am I seeing Halloween decorations and Christmas decorations at the same time? The Kay Jeweler commericals are so lame & corny. Has anyone seen the one with the deaf lady and her boo..come on? I don't know I feel like Christmas and Thanksgiving has turned into a way to boost the economy for the last decade and they just sprinkle in holiday cheer. Actually I read an article in SOC about how capitalistic America is.. apprently four days after 9-11, Bush & Congress stated they need to make American's feel safe, and happy again so they can continue with there normal Tday/black friday/Christmas shopping. Geez.
Nathan says I read to much stuff like that. But seriously once you do, it's so interesting and it really makes you think twice about society. Take Sociology of Social Problems, will open your eyes! Plus I perfer to be informed by ways other then the news. depressing galore.
I love the movie Four Christmas's.
okayyyy random rant dunzo. At least tonight I can have a guilt free night of doing nothing. Best thing about holidays is NO SCHOOL!
I think that this is a combination of my dysfunctional family + it's sooooo commerical. Why am I seeing Halloween decorations and Christmas decorations at the same time? The Kay Jeweler commericals are so lame & corny. Has anyone seen the one with the deaf lady and her boo..come on? I don't know I feel like Christmas and Thanksgiving has turned into a way to boost the economy for the last decade and they just sprinkle in holiday cheer. Actually I read an article in SOC about how capitalistic America is.. apprently four days after 9-11, Bush & Congress stated they need to make American's feel safe, and happy again so they can continue with there normal Tday/black friday/Christmas shopping. Geez.
Nathan says I read to much stuff like that. But seriously once you do, it's so interesting and it really makes you think twice about society. Take Sociology of Social Problems, will open your eyes! Plus I perfer to be informed by ways other then the news. depressing galore.
I love the movie Four Christmas's.
okayyyy random rant dunzo. At least tonight I can have a guilt free night of doing nothing. Best thing about holidays is NO SCHOOL!
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