I don't want to deal with how I feel right now. Or how I'm going to feel next Sunday. I want to just skip to maybe the end of Jan.

If I could only see you now.

I envision in my head what Thanksgiving would have been like with you. I am envisioning what this years Christmas would be like with you. You'd love Nathan's parents. You always wanted more kids and you'd loveee the children. I hate that you are missing so much. I hate you are missing so many things that would make you so happy. I know, that you are watching. But I wish you were here to enjoy them. You deserve to enjoy all the aspects of the holidays this year that I would enjoy. I imagine what the holidays would be like this year with you. I catch myself making believe you are here, and thinking how converstations would have gone. I catch myself pretending we are Christmas shopping, and being blown about all the people in the mall. I keep getting trapped in my head with thoughts of missing you, wishing you were here, pretending what it would be like with you here, and replaying our memories and the day you died. All in my head, amongst other things. So much is in my head, I can't believe I'm not crazy..(er?) I just wish you were here...I wish this ever happened. I wish this was still just some dream that took a year for me to wake up from. A year? It seems like forever. That is sad, I have so much more to do without you...a year seems like forever.

"Won't you enjoy this lonely sky with me, it will swallow us whole if we'd only let it."

sigh.

Is it weird to say I'm semi glad I've been depressed in the past so I know my warning signs? Well it's coming. I get really happy for a few days, super sensitive, and I over think EVERYTHING. I also surpress. It's strange, I can not be thinking about what I'm sad about and subconsciously become sad. Hard to explain. But I've been avoiding thinking about what this month means, and I realize today it's catching up with me. It puts strain on my school work, me and nathan, and everything...without me even realizing it, till it happens. I wish I could skip this month and this feeling.

I'm trying be proactive. Think postive.
1)School is pretty much done.
2)My college apps will be done by Monday.
3)I have meeting with the VP of UMBC Friday
4) Joshy's birthday is Saturday and we are going laser tag. ESX will be there, and they all brighten my days
5) Nathan's dad's birthday
6)Erinn's & Nicole's birthday
(I like birthdays and giving people stuff)

I just need to keep myself busy...not leave alot of time to think and think about all the joy I do have in my life and all the people that love me.

So much easier said than done.

I am thankful for...(a little late)

I have a final & 6 page paper due tomorrow. So clearly I am avoiding it. Bad, I know. Buttt despite my hate for the holidays..Thanksgiving was pretty good. (I've always like it better then Christmas) We had a 2 dinners at my Gpa's. My two aunts still are not on speaking terms, sad.
So me, Nathan, Joshyboy & Paula went to my Gpa's left, then Erinn & Carole came. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'd rather it be that, then a huge fight, tears and embarrassment in front of my boyfriend and his child.

After that me, Paula, Nathan & Josh went to Nathan's parent's house. I love the Bydume's they really make me feel like part of the family.We even brought Dallas. 1st thankgiving with the whole famy. The children are seriously some of the best kids I know. We had dinner, chatted, wined andd I played guitar hero with ESXJ for about two hours.
Then had sister time with Nikki, my bitty is crazay hilerious:) Me, Sydney, and Nikki watched the Beyonce holiday speical. IT WAS SO GOOD. And I came home and had snugs with my pooker. All in all good. I was just missing you.

I am SO thankful for:
My beautiful home, that my friends helped me with. I could not have done it without them.
All the support I got this year
My bestttfriends! Girlie's & Boys. I believe I truly have THE best friends
My boyfriend. I never expected to ever meet someone like him. I really didn't. We came together at horrible parts of each others lives, and made it work. I believe my mom left me with him so I would not feel so alone.
My wittle baby boyyy Dallas, and all his love.
My grades
My family, as crazy as they may be, and no matter how many holidays they have ruined I have to tell myself they do love me, and they loved my mom.
ESXJ<3 so many bad days, made better by them. & They don't even know it.
Mommie, I am so thankful you were here, so thankful you fought so long. So thankful for all you did & put up with. So thankful you loved me. So thankful you never judged me. So thankful for all our jokes and memories. So thankful for the strength you gave me. So thankful I get to call my mom, my best friend. So thankful for the role you played in helping me with my anxiety. So thankful for you never, never ever giving up on me. So thankful you always understood me, even when I know it was hard. So thankful you were always my mom, and NEVER a cancer patient. So thankful for you sending me dreams. So thankful you DEF played a role in my lastest allergic reaction. So thankful for the home you left me. So thankful for all your hard work in life. So thankful people say I remind them of you. So thankful for the lessons you taught while you were, here even while your gone, and the lessons I know you will teach me later. So thankful for everything you ever gave me and every thing you left me. I'm so thankful for you, and I always will be. I love you so much, and I wish you were here to hate on the holidays with me. <3

grinchy grince.

Ok, I know who hates Christmas & Thanksgiving ugh, meeeeee. I can't help it. I must say over the past two years I have become slightly less cynical..slightly. But I can't help it. Holiday cheer can be so annoying. Now I'm not the devil, I support the children & there christmas fun. I don't run around telling them there is no Santa. And I don't knock anyone for Christmas spirit. Do what ya do. But I think Christmas Carols are soooo annoying. And I hate Christmas Carol covers even more. And people that wear Christmas sweaters all of Dec and red & green..ick. Those are such an ugly combination of colors.

I think that this is a combination of my dysfunctional family + it's sooooo commerical. Why am I seeing Halloween decorations and Christmas decorations at the same time? The Kay Jeweler commericals are so lame & corny. Has anyone seen the one with the deaf lady and her boo..come on? I don't know I feel like Christmas and Thanksgiving has turned into a way to boost the economy for the last decade and they just sprinkle in holiday cheer. Actually I read an article in SOC about how capitalistic America is.. apprently four days after 9-11, Bush & Congress stated they need to make American's feel safe, and happy again so they can continue with there normal Tday/black friday/Christmas shopping. Geez.

Nathan says I read to much stuff like that. But seriously once you do, it's so interesting and it really makes you think twice about society. Take Sociology of Social Problems, will open your eyes! Plus I perfer to be informed by ways other then the news. depressing galore.

I love the movie Four Christmas's.
okayyyy random rant dunzo. At least tonight I can have a guilt free night of doing nothing. Best thing about holidays is NO SCHOOL!

I will...

-get my hs transcripts and turn in my application by TUES, i hate driving anyway that is out of my 10 mile radius of burtonsville.
-attempt not to kill my music teacher. dumbass didn't know when the last day of class was??? So now we have our test 3 on Monday on the last day of class and our final on Weds. fagtron. If this was in the syllabus I wouldn't be as mad, but you blew me because you are unorganized. ahem that is part of your job.
-invest in a new rape whistle
-attempt to make thanksgiving with my family half way decent and resist my urge go to Salisbury and have Thanksgiving with Bridget's fam. I usually go for "black out" Friday. And have enjoyed stumbling in at 5am to Thanksgiving left overs. (Last time Bridget's mom had plates laid out for me, Cory and Bridget, not thats love)
-Consider cutting back my drinking, this weekend perhaps gave me reasons why I should...after Thanksgiving break, of course.
-Get a job over break.
-Cross my fingers everyday I get into college, and perferably UMBC.
- Try not to buy the new Driod for myself. I promised myself it would be a xmas present for my bf, but we have been going back inforth for a year on "who has the better phone" I'm winning right now. Petty, I know.
-Relax over Winter Break
-Start planning Vegas 2010, for me Hassan Nathan, CORY. Ahem, Laur! you and Chris should join usss before you turn into an old teach:)

so be quiet.

Now Dallas was currently 5-2 before the Eagles game. And everyone said because we didn't beat the Giants and we won all our others games we just were not playing quality teams.
1) a win, is a win..lets keep in mind the redskins haven't been playing "quality teams" and they've scored what? 5 td's all season
2) We led the Giants all the way through the 4th quarter. yes Romo cracked. (beginning of the season jitters) & yes he threw interceptions...and yea the Giants scored on them. sooo had he been on point they probably would not have got there last td. AND as i recall the score was 30-31, obviously we could have won.
3) We beat Atlanta and they are good!

*Insert Romo jokes here.*
1) yes he has had a rocky beginning seasons. But um, so did Eli Manning.
2) Yes he effed up our play off spot in the Seattle game. It was awful, embaressing and horrible. Everyone fucks up though, anddd some of the greatest have as well.
3) LETS everyone keep in mind, Romo is an undrafted QB. Meaning he wasn't picked straight out of college. He walked on to a football field (cause you know literally anyone can try out for the NFL) and got picked by a good team.
4) His biggest flaw..is he is a nervous player. And judging by this season he is getting that under control.

Dallas Vs Eagles
1) Lets keep in mind the Eagles CRUSHED like i mean shat allll over the Giants the week before. Remember the "quality team" Seriously it was bad. I'm not a huge Giants fan, but my BF's fam is...sooo. But I will not deny they are good, Eli Manning is good. And he to is a nervous player as well. (But in regards his brother is Peyton Manning, and his dad was another sick ass QB..so did he really have any choice but to show some talent, it would be tragic if he didn't.)
2) Dallas..opening TD
3)Eagles tied
4) Dallas started to slip (oh i screamed at my TV)
5) Austin Miles, the reciever who as just started coming up missed 3 out of his 3 catches. (But at half time I said..he's going to come through in the clutch.)
6) But what people know but refuse to say is that Dallas has, and really has always had a sick defense, most of the time if we lose a game the other teams score is a low one. So defense pulled through.
7) beginning of the 4th, I called it! They kept passing the ball to Barber, who did splendid all game. And I said they need to throw the ball to Austin and he'll get it. Next play..long field pass & TD to Austin..he dipped.
8) Defense, good passing, Austin Barber, Romo, low penalties + I'll admit 2 bad calls the Eagles coach made hooked us up with a win.

6-2 baby, lead in the divison..over the "quality" team Giants

And let's get serious. Dallas is just one of those teams people love to hate on. Even when we play good...people have stuff to say. Me and Nathan have decided it's really because Dallas in all honesty has had really really good players through out the years...but alot of seasons we have failed to show up. Alot of sport annoncers hate because in most seasons we were better then our record. I'm not saying we are going extremely far in the play offs, because the other conferences teams are doing really really really well this season. But stop hating. Dallas is tight. Romo is hot. Miles would be sexy as shit..if his nose didn't look so bad. Our defense will punish, Barber will break your tackle and make you look like a jagaloom.

so be quiet.

Next game vs. Green Bay @. I am nervous, they are SUCH a good team. Their GB is aweeessomme. Lets hope he has an off game, Romo plays his best, and Miles completes big passes. And I do think we can win.

But hey if we lose...Redskins the week after at Dallas..muhahaha.

This rant was brought on by ESPN on Monday night, only one of the sports annoncers wasn't hating..it might have been two, but the others were. AND my music teacher. "all the teams in the East played bad except for Dallas..but they suck" quit.hating.

Sounds good.

I hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me.

Did you know all the members are family. 3 brothers and a cousin. cute:)
jared, bass. hot. I like men with well down swoopy hair, in flannel.




Huffman don't take no nonsense
He's here to rectify
He's got his black belt buckle,
And the red man's fire in his eye

You with your switchblade posse,
I'll get my guns from the south,
We'll take to the yard like a cock fight
Four kicks who's strutting now?

This party is overrated,
But there aint shit else to do
She's a lovin' on a boy from the city,
I'll be lovin' him under my shoe

Apprently about kicking someones ass? nice.

It is not my falut you are old, but thank you for providing the weekend funny quote.

Funny quote of the weekend:

Place: Powerplant, Bmore
People: Bridget, Me, Nathan, Cory, Hassan, Adrian
Set-up: Me and Bridget are drunk before we leave the house. We consumed a variety of drinks that include, but not limited to Soco Lime Shots, Cherry Vodka Shots, Bourbon & Ginger andd Rum & Cokes. dunzo We had just got finished dancing to Party in the USA (sad) andd were outside for ciggs with the boys. We notice how me, cory and bridget are appearing to be the most attractive females outside. To many fat people in little costumes, ugly girls in slutty costumes, and just overall unattractive people. (I suppose we are mean when we drink) And this is not even to say we are drop dead super models...the female selection was just that bad. I felt bad for Hassan/Jamel who before entering the bar said they hoped to get some ass tonight. (Me B & Cory also discuss how GOOD it is to not be single and have to deal with all that nonsense.) But anyway while observing all the tragic looking women. I see Nathan has yelled "damn look at dat old bitch, she may be able to still get it" (embarressing, I know) Adrian eggs him on. Well this old bitch heard him. Came over and must have took being called an "old bitch" as Nathan and Adrain hitting on her. She was an angel who was super skinny and had the ragged old lady curley hair with too much gel in it. She stayyyed talking to them and got a little to cozy with Nathan and Adrain, who seemed very uncomfortable. So it went like this...
Me: BRIDGET, look at the women...why is she all over them
B: Um I know, whyy is she at a bar filled with college people
Me: I hate old bitchs that think they are young.
B: yea she looks like she is probably an old ass elementary school teacher
Me: (yelling) yea you probably taught me how to write
B: (here it is) THAT OLD BITCH TAUGHT ME CURSIVE.
this was repeated probabaly 10 times before she looked over and flicked us off.
My turn: um pleasee do not be jealous that you are old as shit hitting on younger men! Especially when there YOUNG girlfriends are right here and no one is impressed. I wish I could have better constructed that sentence, but umm I was hhwasted.

Adrain and Nathan stood there in shock but amused at Bridget & mines sudden angry drunken state. Old women picked up her pride off the ground and walked away.

Lauren, fuck old bitter 40 year old.
And old bitter 40 year old, perhaps start attending a bar where other old 40 year olds gather. You will probably feel better about yourself and have more luck hitting on men who were also born around the baby boomer era. GEEZE.

result of being to nice. (story of my life)

So as most anyone who has met me knows, I am deathly allergic to peanuts & all nut products. Did you know Almonds are not nuts? Well they aren't. Anyway my peanut allergies are basically a staple too me. Since I was about 5 I'd say I've had at least 10 allergic reactions (maybe more) to peanuts, milk, eggs, sulfa&penaclin (medicines).

Preschool. Sub teacher. Peanut butter & crackers, like EVERY kids fave right? Well I told the sub I was allergic but she didn't believe me. Yes when kids get older they use that excuse for foods they don't want, but come on a four year old? I feel like it would have been in her best interest to give me the benefit of the doubt and allow me to have some sliced apples or something. But she gave me my death crackers. I knew I should not eat them. My mom explained my allergies very very careful to me before school. She taught me the A B C's early mainly so I could read milk, egg, nut, peanut on the labels and stay away. She was a nurse and knew what was up. So I took a lick. One lick literally. Within few mins, I had hives all over my body, and was crying because my throat felt weird. Aka: It was closing up. 911 was called and I was rushed away to the hospital. Needless to say that sub lost her job at my hs. My mom was the sweetest person, but don't fuck around with me (or cutting in front of her in the gas line) she will be reallly pissed. Oh also I had to wear laminated index cards that stated my allergics & how to use an epi pen clipped to my clothest till 1st grade. cool right?

Some more? I asked my Gma what eggs tasted like when I was 6 or 7. She gave me a little little piece. Hospital post haste. (my gma was kind of spacey) My aunt had me carry a bag of peanuts to the care. 1hr later. hives. + epi pen+ PISSED off mom because apprently no one in my family takes my allergies seriously. Senior Banquet. Ate, danced standing in line for pictures 2 hours later and itchy my head like crazy. I thought I was just sweaty. Then itching my arms, then seeing hives. Me and Will had got in a fight 5 mins before. surprise surprise. I told him I felt itchy and that I felt like I couldn't breathe. He thought I was more or less doing it for his attention. faggot. So I started to panic. I think that was my first panic attack. I could feel my thoart closing and called my mom. I was crying and saying I couldn't breathe. She calmed me down and told me if I'm talking I'm breathing but to call 911. I really didn't want to call 911 infront of my whole fucking senior class, but I did. By this time the banquet is over and I'm out in the lobby as my whole class is filing out crying, panicing and itchy. I literally feel myself not being able to breathe. Then a teacher says she has an epi pen. ( I learned how to inject myself when I was like 6, badass I know) BUT Mrs. Dixon said I was a minor and could not accept medicine without my moms consent. I felt really trapped and at the same time wanted to punch her. BITCH I can't breathe!!! The EMT's come and by this time I can't talk because my thoart is closed up so much. They give me 2 injections of bendadryl and it's a really weird feeling you can feel the medz go through your veins but it makes you kinda jumpy like you're having a seizure(oh ps: EMT's don't care epi pens. wtf) They rush me too the hospital and my mom meets me there. Our banquet was in bumfuck so the hospital was like 20 mins away. That was the first time I had ever been scared. They had happened so many times I was really chill about it. Needle, Bendryl pills, inhaler, hospital if needed. But this time I couldn't breathe. But thank god got there, was okay. I never figured out what I ate, and my mom never figured out why Mrs. Dixion was such a fucking dumbass. If I had an Epi Pen it would not have been so bad, the EMT later told me, they made it to the hospital just in time because I started turning pale and shit.

Well. I was hoping that with the exception of my freshmen year allergic reactions I could leave that stuff in the past. And I had. Then me & nathan let his God sister and now close friend of mine stay with us till she got another job. Well not only did she blow of job interviews for modeling ones (she is 5'4 in heels) she was just wearing out her welcome. Then she brings her 4 yr old son over every saturday. Now I lovee kids. But I hate kids that are brats. And he is a brat, but I guess I can't blame him because all our friend did was sit and smoke weed while he ran around and pissed the sit out of me and Nathan. Well she asked if he can have a pb&j sandwich. I saw yes because when me & Nathan watch Sidney, Ericka & Xaiver (5, 9,6) he makes them pb&j, cleans up the counter explains to them my allergry and don't touch anything or me till they wash there hands. No incidents. So I remind her of this. Well she makes him is pb&j, and goes back upstairs two hrs later I see the sandwich is still on the counter and I'm irriated. So Nathan throws it away.

Next day. Weird day. You know those days that are so out of your normal routine they seem strange? Not big things just out of the your mundane routine. Well we wake up early (strange) take our puppy to vet (we've only had him 2 days so still gettin used to him). Then Nathan was supposed to take my to my dr so I can get a note for being sick the last week, buttt we forget and re remembers before I have to go to class. I begg him to take me and to take me to school. And he was like "you have plenty of time" which i did. But I hatteee driving and I'm a brat. So I begged and begged. He caved. flove him. But usually when he says no to something he means it. So I was really surprised. We get to school early, and ususally if he drops me off and I'm early he just leaves and I study alone at the library because I hate everyone at HCC. sorry. Well he goes "it's nice out, lets get coffee" (strange) we do and then all of sudden "lock down drill" wtf we are in college. And nathan was like uhh fuck that I don't go to school here. We escape by saying we both don't go to school here and go sit on our car and have some ciggs. 5 sips into my sbux I feel weird, like my eye feels like there is something in it. And I ask Nate if there is, and he says no. 5 more sips, and I'm like okay time to go to class. (this is my FIRST day back after being sick for a week) I take a few steps swallow and basically say fuck lets go. Before I got home from HCC my face was complelty swollen, like it looks like someone beat the shit out of me. I can barely talk. I'm really scared, but I could see Nathan was really really scared (never happened before with him) I stay calm, if you freak out it happens faster. It's such a bad feeling to feel yourself literally losing the ability to take in air. We get to the house. Needle, Pill, laying down. It stopped getting worse, but it didn't get better. Hospital. I run into the hospital and obviously skip triage. I tell the women what happened & told her I what I did. (She was REALLY impressed, which I've noticed most people are. They always say they get people here who don't use there needles..wtf) My mom taught me how when I was young, gave me fake ones so I could show camp conselors how too, it seemed very routine for me. But apprently I am not the norm. So Benadryl, Oxygen. Nathan is so scared, but livid because he said while I was using my epi pen, he saw a smear of something, scratched it off and it was pb, of course right where I had eatten lunch. yes that allergic. Our friend calls my phone to see if I can pick her up and Nathan explains I'm in the hospital could have died and it's her falut. He then explains she has to move out. He picks her up and she is more concerened about moving out then my well being. Oh mean while I am dealing with drs asking "did you know you're allergic" always happens, and for some reason really fuckin annoying, because when I tell them yes. The next question is "why did you eat" JAGALUM do you thinkk I would vountarly put myself through this. Oh also the nurse stabbed the shit out of my arm for the IV and my arm was gushing blood. So I recover, Hassan picks me up cause Nathan is with our friend packin her shit. I wanted her to be gone before I got there, but of course she wasn't. I walk in expecting a huge parade of sorrys. This bitch is on the phone and doesn't look at me, say anything, nothing. I wait. She gets off the phone and talks to Hassan like nothing was wrong. I was in shock, and wanted to go off. But was toooo druged up. I went upstairs and went to sleep. Bitch. Nathan dropped her ass off, and I hope I never meet someone so inconsiderate again. All she had to do was clean up her shit. How do 3 kids manage this but an adult can't? I bought this bitch food, I let her stay at my house, I let her borrow my car...and she can't even aplogize for I don't know.. almost fucking killing me. I am too nice.

But when I got home and became less pissed. I thought about the chain of events that happened, and how they were so out of the ordinary, I then thought about how well my mom prepared me for my allergys/reactions. How she taught me how to stay calm and do what I needed to do. Then remembered I had just got that epi pen cause of my sick visit at the dr. I would not have had it if i didn't go and ask for a refill on my way out. Everything seemed to have worked in my favor that day. And I can't thank anyone else but my mom. Since I was little she made sure I would be okay because she could not be around me everytime food was consumed. And I guess she is still making sure I'm okay even when she isn't here. Despite me still being REALLY mad at this bitch. I finally believe my mom is still looking out for me, and she is always making sure I'm okay.
..

A's A's A's....mmm A's...i lovee A's!!!
This weekend is about to...tighhhtt.
Plus I can cross off a thing I had on one of my lists of stuff to do soon... joshy boy today&all weekend. & Eff the play off's..DALLAS this weekend- crush Atlanta.

mom,

I wish I had someone to talk to about how I'm feeling. This appears to be the 2nd night of crying myself to sleep. I hate that. Pook is sleeping on the couch for now cause he is pretty sick and does not want to get me sick and is up coughing most of the night. I want to tell him how sad I am, and that I want him to sleep with me so I don't have to cry alone. But I can't afford to get sick, and it's time I learn to deal with these feelings without him carrying me through them. Plus he is sick and stressed and I refuse to add more to his plate, despite the fact Ithink he knows there is something going on. I can't get all the thoughts out of my head. I keep re playing the night you died and I hate doing it. But I can't help it, it's like it's complusive. I can feel myself getting depressed. It's an interesting feeling. I can just feel it all of a sudden. It's honestly like all your insides begin to sag. I want to go to therapy, at least I can get it out. I need to stay focused with school. I won't let myself drink this weekend because I end up hung over all day & don't do shit. Nothing but school this weekend, no matter how depressed I feel or how much I feel like I don't care. I never want to get missing you out of my head or heart. I wish I could miss you, without feeling like laying in bed all day though. I don't know when that will happen. I hate needing to talk to someone about things I only shared or talked about with you. I miss you so much. Can you send me a good and happy dream about you or us. I keep having bad ones.

i can take the rain on this empty house.
that don't bother me.
i can take a few tears every now&then
and just let em out
i'm not afraid to cry
every once in awhile
even though going on
with you gone still upsets me.
there are days enow and again i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me.
what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
& watching you walk away
and never know what could have been.
and not seeing that loving you, was what i was trying to do.

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
but i'm doing it.
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends
and i'm alone.
still harder, getting up
getting dressed
living with this regret.
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

all the music is sad again.

I need to sleep. I'm awake and I need to sleep. I wish I could skip these next few months. All year I got to remember you being here this time last year. But in a few months I'll just have all the memories I play back in my head of you being in and out the hospital. You telling me you were dying. The night you died. Oct 25th is your birthday. Thanksgiving was the last holiday I got to spend with you. And this Christmas will be a depressing one no doubt. I can't believe you'v been gone almost a year. I know you'd be proud of me. But I know you know how sad I am everyday. I'v been good at hiding my sadness. I hate for people to see me weak, I hate to cry when there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. So for the most part I make myself appear happy even on the days I'm not. I guess that is something I learned from you. Lately my heart has been hurting alot more. But I won't let anyone see it. I'll continue to keeping laughing, because if I stop, I'll stop. It's really tiring though, but I'd rather everyone think I was at least doing okay, then see how sad I am. I don't know you lived with your depression for so long, but still being my mom and doing so much, and making me so happy and never becoming a cancer patient and always being my mom. I'm not as strong as you. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about how sad I feel. I know that doesn't make sense.

I have Nathan, and I have you to thank for that. He's my saving grace and has helped fill my heart a little bit. He's why I've made it this year. But he can't replace you, and I feel bad dumping my sadness on him now. I've done it for a year and I know it's okay cause he loves me. But with all the stuff going on with him and Josh I feel like it's my turn to be strong. I really don't know if I can. Why can't you come back?

I descended a dusty gravel ridge
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge
Until I eventually arrived
At the place where your soul had died

Barefoot in the shallow creek
I grabbed some stones from underneath
And waited for you to speak to me

And the silence, it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

Then it started getting dark
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I must assume was the case with you



I love you, I miss you more than anything can express. I'm going to sleep now, because I have a test tomorrow and I need to wake up to study. And all my A's are for you. (Even though it's so hard to enjoy them)

update i suppose

I will discuss Vegas later. TOO much. But it was an amazing trip:) & many good pictures.

So after being able to smoke in every building, me and Nathan have decided to quit cigs. ( really alot of why I'm doing it because some how in the past 2 months bf has began to chain smoke and smokes a pack a day, and we both agree it's NOT okay. So I'm gonna quit with him)

Also, NO FAST FOOD..ever again. Well that isn't really possible, but I really don't want to eat it at all. I'v gained weight which was my goal, but I want to stay at the weight I'm at. And I want my stomach to be flat.

Also I'm going to start going to the gym @ fairland. Kt said I can go for free and I should take advantage.

I decided all this at Vegas. I'll be so proud of myself if I can do it.

Also!!! I took a soc class last summer and i loved my teacher . She is a social worker & said if a job opening came up where I could be a intern she would let me know. She emailed yesterday and said she has a possible one for me. eee! i'm really excited someone from over a year ago remembers me and thinks I would be a good social worker

PRANKED!l

I am normally not one to advertise gifts, esp from my boyfriend. But this is kinda funny. So me and Nate have been watching pranked on MTV. In case you don't know it's a college humor show about SHITTY MEAN pranks. Example: this guy was supposed to cook his girlfriend breakfast. he forgot, she got mad and went outside to tan. He later cracked 54 eggs and threw them on her while she was tanning. Then hit her with a bag of flour and poured syrup on her. Nathan would be girlfriend less. another one, was it was this girls WEDDING day, and she got a pimple. So her bf said to put alcohol on it, and of course it started to burn. So he told her to put the blow dry on cool and put it towards here face, well he had put baking powder in it and it got allll over her face. Nathan would be fianceeless.

So all Friday kept telling me he was gonna get me good soon. I was like sure sure. He called me Saturday from work and said he got me a present!(I loveee presie's no matter how small! I'm some kind of child trapped in a 22 year olds body.) He often brings me stuff, it's usually something from his salon, or a shirt or a cool belt or something. nothing major. But they still excite me. So him and Jamel come home and I'm naked, so I put on a towel and come downstairs for my present. He said I had to open it down here sooo I went upstairs to get dressed and opened my present...a little jewelry box was inside the bag, and inside the jewelry box was a wonderful...rubberband and Nathan screaming, I GOT YOU! I was soooo mad! Not only because I didn't get the present, but because I HATE being fooled, andddd I asked him to pick up juice on the way home and he said he couldn't cause he spent all his money on my present. SO I kick him and said I'm leaving to go get juice. And Nathan goes "baby before you can you get me something from the fridge" I say no. He say's "No seriously". I say, " I know you're being serious, and I'm seriously telling you No". I'm on my way out the door and He's is beggging me, and me being the child I am (because in all honesty I was slightly annoyed, he didn't pick up the juice if he had money) walked out the door. I ask Jamel if heee wants any juice, and told Nathan he could go get his own. He runs after me, picks me up. Puts me infront of the fridge, opens the door and there is a newwww box sitting inside the fridge. I didn't want to open it in fear it was a paper clip or other random office supply. BUTTT it was this.....:)





I love love love loveee Nathan:) I'v never gotten nice jewelry from anyone except my mom/gma. I felt reallly effing special, and I know he saved up for this! &NO it's not an engagment ring. pft, long time before that happens. But I am still really scared of further pranks to come. Esp since I asked if I got a presie after all of them, and he said no. And I seriously told him if he every did anything like that guy did on his fiancee's wedding day, I would murder him at the alter. He knows my anxiety could not take baking soda in the face on my wedding day.

Oh and fyi, the girl who got eggs on her later got her boyfriend back. He was bending over in the yard and she got a fire extinguisher and put it down his pants and pulled the trigger. Nathan & Jamel said they couldn't imagine how the extreme cold would feel on their balls, but it would be pretty bad. Now I need to think of a good prank for Nathan.

gimme theseeee....

pleaseee?

yes.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear

Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah- Incubus


good words.

The Starting Line has the right idea.

"It says....










laugh.laugh.laugh.











dance.










completely shut yourself out from cellphones,
computers and reality sometimes.
perhaps go to bonnaroo.













indulge in icecream, & certainly if it's on your bestfriend's icecream truck.






.





play with children. it will remind you how easy it is to be happy.
& life is not so complicated all the time.









love.










occasionally perform highschool memories.











cherish every moment.


& take this ride."

love.

I am not making an attempt to be any sort of hippie. Ryan, got me on Nada Surf last summer, and I enjoy them. I don't get some of their songs, but they are pretty legit & have been around for a bit.



It's a good message if you even listen to more then the chorus.



In other words, I am putting off working on biology lab & have been in the making list mood.

THINGS, I ALWAYS LOVE:

1. when i wake up in the morning and nathan snugs me.
2. warmed cookies
3. my babygirl bffz
4. the men i have in my life
5. when I have a memory of my mom that cracks me up & my mommie in general.
6. when people say I remind them of her and truthfully say she would be proud.
7. the first time I hear a song I looove
8. when i hear a song, i still love, but loved 5 years ago.
9. chipotle
10. the occasional high, the best part is when your listening to music and it sounds indescribable
11. my cousin, because we were raised as sisters. and i'v recently realize she is the sib I always wanted.
12. blue moons & the prefect drunk
13. when people tell me how ignorant and crazy i was the night before.
14. good grades after I've studied hard.
15. summer & bare feet
16. salisbury & cove beach
17. trips to see my far away friends
18. pictures
19. a productive therapy session, that provides me with some direction
20. ericka sydney xaiver & joshie
21. flannel shirts(LOVED before they were cool) & design shirts, same goes for that.
22. my mustang
23. the fact my friends helped make 3616 MY home, but it still reminds me of my mom
24. walks with someone i love
25. stars at night.
26. my tattoo
27. nathan's smile & laugh. cuteboy.

fyi

Things I want to do soon: (in no order)
-Get my tattoo touched up
-Beginning ideas for a new tattoo, I have the bug!
-Go to the National Harbor, I heard it's legit. ANDDDD there is a bar with a mechanical bull
-Go to NYC ( I have never fucking been)
-Play with Ericka, Sydney & Xaiver, BECAUSEE they light up my whooole day, no matter my mood.
-Get another piercing in my ear
-Finish the guest room
-Go to sby, and drink heavily with Cory & Rob..then pass out at his parents house and have breakfast made for me by rob at noon.
-SEE JOSHIE BOY<3
-Have crabs while there is stiiillll time!!!
-See The Goods
-Get a kinda, job
-Fix the drip in our shower, because it's the most annoyying sound ever
-Get caught up on the new SVU's
-Go to Ben's Chili Bowl in DC
-apply to a school for ze spring
-Go see Steel Train
-Go to Vegas with Nathan's parents...opps never mind going in two weeks!!!! yay 20th anny for them:) BUT I reeealllly wanna see the Grand Canyon when we go!!!
-See Lauren Straub.

back! The last couple weeks have busy. I'm not quite sure exactly with what, but they have. I went to Mongolian BBQ for Gaby's 21st. Good food, girly drinks a good time:)

Schooool started Monday. Holy B Jesus! This will be my busiest semester ever! I basically have a quiz and or paper due every day. Thank God I don't believe in Friday classes. It's going to be alooot of work. But I'm looking forward to being busy constantly instead of just two week periods. Starting school, or rather anything without you mom is extremely hard. I'm used to calling you after all my classes, texting you during class and such. I miss telling you about my teachers and how I'm doing and hearing your encourgment. And you telling me, my best is all you want. I felt strange finishing my first day of school and not calling you. It's going to be strange not ranting to you about the ignorant comments that I know are going to be made in my Social Problems class. Remember when I took SOC 101..after every class.. "THAT FUCKIN SPANISH LADY!" I'm going to make you proud, promise. I bet you are still excited about my gpa:) I could not have done it without you. I miss you, and I still really really need you. I have you to thank for having Nathan everyday to come home too. I'm glad I have him to rant to, but it's not the same at all. I'm glad I have someone to encourage me, and be proud of me. But it doesn't feel complete. That is the hardest thing. Whenever something happens, I can call my friends, or fam, or tell Nathan. But it always feels like I have one more person to tell. So whatever I'm talking about doesn 't feel finished cause I can't tell you. It's really hard to not lose my excitment about things. I'm trying though. It's almost been a year. Sometimes it feels like forever, sometimes it feels completely surreal, sometimes it feels like it's been yesterday. I don't want to have to think about you being out of my life for a whole year. Esp, when there are so many more years to come. Your birthday is coming up. I want to do something speical for it, I'm unsure as to what. Like with the tattoo/my birthday I needed to do something to avoid being completley depressed the whole day. I wish I had a place to visit you and lay flowers. I don't know what I want to do for your birthday, but I'll be sure to let you know. It will be good promise.

I wish I could pick up the phone & tell you how I'm feeling.
I'd tell you how I'v changed.
I'd tell you everything.

I love you every second of everyday. I miss you every second of everyday.

25 thangz bout me. haha.

RAINY SHIT ASS WEATHER+ boyfriend at work+ no $= Stolen from facebook. 25, wonderful facts about myself that everyone should know. ha.

1. I curse in almost every sentence, and I don't care if it's not lady like.
2. I REALLY wish I could have theme music, like in cartoons when characters are walking & such. Thus the reason I make strange sound effects through out the day.
3. I LOVE cutey lil cartoon animals. aka nemo, blot, alvin & the chipmunk. I want singing chipmunks. (I'm 22 I swear, and I'm not retarded. I just realllly love small critters)
4. I'm pretty sure I was meant to live on the shore.
5. I've been told by my friends, mom & boyfriend, that I am an extremely weird person. I'm okay with, there is no one else like me.
6. I am obsessed with Law & Order/Elliot & Entourge. If I could marry Ari Gold, I would in a heart beat.
7. I have anxiety, and at times I can't get out of bed. It's one of the most crippling feelings ever.
8. My mother is the best person in the world. I miss her every moment of everyday. Small things that seem meaningless constantly bring back a memory of her. It's not fair, fuck cancer.
9. The book A Child Called 'it', is the reason I'm going to be a social worker.
10. I'm extremely liberal, and it's REALLY hard for me to hold a conversation with hardcore right winged people. I often get in fights withn people in my classes, when I find what they are saying to be ignorant.
11. Everyone that knew my mom looks at me and see's her. I feel it every time I'm around a friend, coworker or family member. If you've never felt something like that it's impossible to describe.
12. My friends, are one of the most important parts of my life. I have all the best friends.
13. Nathan says I live in a fairy tale world, in my head. I say wtf is wrong with that sucka?!
14. Winter is horrid, I always get depressed when I don't see the sun.
15. It's hard for me to express myself, really hard. I wish I could just give people lyrics instead of trying to spew out my thoughts.
16. I'm going to marry my boyfriend:) I'm not one of those people who are ready to get married now and through away my youth. no thank you. we just know it. i think it comes with dating someone older, they know what they want, and I've stopped looking. I won't be getting married until, I don't feel the need to be known as a such a belligerent person. I can't be that ignorant at my my wedding. soooo like 5 years from now? haha
17. I think I'm pretty fucking funny.
18. I ruin my life everytime I drink. But I keep drinking. (hence me waiting to get married)
19. I can't drive. But I looovveee my mustang/saturn, but really it's a mustang.
20. I am a lot of times obnoxiously LOUD!
21. I am re-learning how to love life again. It's satisfying, but taking a lot of work. I'm working on being more carefree. like how I used to be & not givin a sheeeettt.
22. I have ADD like you would not BELIEVE, I should be cleaning the kitchen right now.
23. When I was little, I REALLY wanted to be a boy. no homo...
24. If you don't like me, than clearly you are a re-thard.
25. I live 20 mins aways from Washington DC...and Loooooveeee the Cowboys & think the Skins are lameee.

trust me on the sunscreen

The Famous Sunscreen Speech en Yahoo! Video

that's whats up.

digdigdig.

Understand that friends come & go.
Their are a precious few you should hold on too.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle.
Because the older you get, the more you'll need,
the people who knew you when you were young.

I gave Dig- Incubus to nicole on a card for christmas last year. And it's kind of been our song. I heard it at the Incubus concert (the acoustic verison to be exact.) First things first.... THEY WERE AWESOME! SO GOOD. Brandon is an amazing singer. I will always be a sucker for skinny rock boys with peircings& tattoos and loud awesome voices. If you sit down and listen to alot of Incubus's lyrics they are extremellyy poetic. They don't just have songs about fallin love, alot have to do with indiviuality. Again, just because their songs are poetic they still don't over complicate them. (big pet peeve, obv.)

Anyway, whilst listening to the wonderful acoustic version of Dig, I got to thinking. I'v gone back and forth with several friendships. Sometimes I'm closer with certain friends then others. This is summer I went from having a huge social group where I was always around at least three people, to being around one or two people, and more then three was an event such as Weeds night. This is the first time I haven't lived in a house with a bunch of people. (even though I enjoy this so much more) It was really hard at first, I felt like all I had was Nathan & Hassan. Which was fine, but I missed what I had. It has started getting alot better. But listening to Dig, I realize that this summer I have learned, quality is better then quanity. I'm forunate enough to have people to stick by me even when I'm not my normal self. I'm blessed because I still have friends from highschool & middle school who know my pre college past. I'm lucky enough to have made some of the most wonderful friends in college both in salisbury & when I moved home. I'm so happy that despite distance, I have been able to keep friendships that I can't believe I lived without for so long. Weather I see all these lovely people daily, I know they are still here. Through losing my mom, I learned who the people are that truely love me. And it didn't matter how much I saw them, their out pouring of love and affection meant/means so much to me. It used to make me sad when friendships would tetter and I felt like I wasn't as close with certain people as I wanted to be. But I realize that is life, everyone is at different points of their lives everyday and sometimes that is how things work out and it's not a bad thing. Because true friendship isn't based on how often you talk or see one another. It's based on trusting the fact you can depend on a friend for anything, trusting them to love you when you aren't being you, trusting them to help you back to that person, being able to call them in the middle of the night, and knowing the same applys on your end. I'm sure through out life I'll meet a bunch of new people and make other wonderful friends. But I'll never forget or stop being friends with the people I have now. It's always hard to keep friendships going when life is constantly changing. I've come to realize, I have all the best friends:) Even though we won't be staying in the same area forever, I hope to grow old with most of these people, and being able to look back on when...I got thrown from a golf cart, bonnaroo, cove beach, middle school, spring breaks, living together, sneaking into bars&fake ID's, the oldzoo/greenes apartment, all of us turning 21 and soooo much more! It's possible and despite how many new friendships I make in the future, I don't think any will compare to what I have now. And I will always want, what I have now.
no distance or lapse in time,
can lessen the bond of those,
who are truely presuaded by each others worth.

THIS, is good.

good, good, anddd good. And put so simply. Sometimes I think artist try to hard to use complicated metaphors in their songs. Sometime ya just gotta say it plainly.
What person doesn't want, what this song is talking about?
I know I do. I wonder what people would be like, if everyday they included getting closer to free, in their daily lives? Everyone would probably be a lot different, I know I would.
ahhh a lot music was so much better back in the day. They have been around since the 80's!
Truly good music, is music that last through the decades, not the months. (as catchy as those songs are lol)
ugh, my boyfriend just asked me why I'm listening to country.
oh littleboy...classic rock/alternative.
I am still working on expanding his musical mind. He's getting better:) He knows the difference between Rage Against The Machine & 311 now.


Everybody wants to live
How they wanna live
And everybody wants to love
Like they wanna love
And everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody wants respect
Just a little bit
And everybody needs a chance
Once in a while
Everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody one
Everybody two
Everybody free

Everybody needs to touch
You know now and then
And everybody wants a good good friend
Everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

Everybody wants to live
How they want to live
And everybody wants to love
Who they want to love
And everybody wants to be
Closer to Free

You bring a better future, then I had in the past.

THIS man right here. Is the love of my life. I don't mean to get all cheesy and lovey. But at times I can't help it. I never dreamed I'd meet anyone who understands me as well as he does. We are at times so different, he can focus on problems without getting emotional, he frankly has more preservance than I do. (something I hope to learn from him), he has no idea what the word awkward means...the list could go on. But we compliment each other, he shows me how to be strong and when I can't he is my strength, and I help him be more sensitive. His parents have welcomed me with open arms and tell me they love me every time I see them. They've done alot to help me, anndddd have invited me to go on their first family vacay in like 5 years. (VEGASsuckaaa)

He taught me what it means to be in a happy, healthy relationship. I honestly never had one before. (sad) I can not believe what I put up with all these years. He has taught me to be more confident in myself, like how I used to be last year before the curse of anxiety and fear of awkwardness. He pushes me with school, and lets me know I can do it, even when it's hard. He has made the whole in my heart so much smaller. CERTAIN people had no faith in our relationship and said us moving in together was a horrible idea. I'm glad we proved them wrong. I don't know if I would be able to live in my moms house at this point without him. He was gone for 12 days in a row this month, and I did not realize how comfortable he makes me feel at night. (I'm afraid of the dark...) I could not sleep without, I woke up anxious all night, every night. I'm so happy, and so lucky to have my littleboy:) He hates when I call him that.

Aside from all that I see my mom in him everyday. He never got the chance to meet her, which does break my heart. She'd love him, I know it. But as he says, we have our own little Notebook love story. (see i'm teaching him to be more sensitive.) Most people don't know how, alike we are in the sense he lost his mom when he ten. He understand everything I'm going through and it has helped alot to have someone who just..gets it. But back to me seeing my mom in him everyday. When I first met him, I was more or less looking for some ass. (I was going through a dry spell) I thought he was really cute, and we hung out after work one night and kind of hit it off. I still wanted nothing to do with a realtionship. The 3rd time we hung out he was complaning of a stomach ache so I took him home. The next day i went to the hospital to see my mom, and told her I was going to stay, but she was like don't you have a date? I go "ew so not a date and not important at all" She begged me to go, and said she had a good feeling about this one. So.. I went, and his stomach was still hurting. I gave him some advil and bought him a heating pack. It didn't help. He said it was so bad, he wanted to go to the hospital. We went, they basically said he ...he needed to poop lol. They gave him some laxatives, and said he should be fine. He wasn't so I called my mom, and said the pain was getting worse and I didn't know what to do. I told her where it was, and she i needed to take him back. He didn't want to go of course being the manly man, all men think they are. But I told him my mom was a nurse and that he needed to go. By the time we got there he was throwing up, and crying from the pain. I left once he got admitted and figured it was nothing tooooo serious. I called two days later when I didn't hear from him, and he said he needed surgery. His intestines had collasped, and they had to take a part of them out! After his surgery someone stole his phone, and I didn't know if i should call the hospital to see if he was okay, or just let it be. After all it's not like we were dating. I asked my mom and she said call, and that he would apperiacte it. So i did, he could barely talk but said he was fine and would call me when he got home. He ended up being in the hospital for 23 days, and my mom died while he was there. Needless to say he was the last thing on my mind. But he got home on the 24th and texted me on a rather depressing Christmas day.. "marry christmas angel"I could not help but smile. I called him and he told me all about it, and wanted to see me as soon as he could. He sucked it up and came to New Year's Eve with me all doped up on pain medz. After that we were pretty inseperable. He brought a joy to my life that I didn't think I could feel without my mom. I was still miserable without her, but he gave me a few reasons to laugh a day, and eventually alot more reasons. He was there when I needed someone the most. He pushed me to get a new bed, because the old one was my moms and I had been sleeping on the living room fouton for about 2 months. He made me eat when I didn't want too, or felt like I didn't need too. He did so many things to help me grieve for mom, but most of all he just understood. In March he told me, if I hadn't of taken me to the hospital that night the doctors said he would have died. I never knew it was that bad. He told me I saved his life. He said he saved his son from having to go through what he did when he was younger. It was an amazing feeling, helping people alot of the time is one of the only thing that gives me joy. I actually saved a life! And I told him my mom was big part of it. I didn't know what to do, and I called her like I always did. So he said we saved his life:) After a few months we talked about it again, I told him what a better place I was at now, and how he was a big part of it. I can''t imagine how I would dealt with this without him. But I know I wouldn't have passed school, probs would have never gone out, or got out of bed, and I can only imagine how much weight I would have lost. Okay here is the corny part. We have decided. My mom helped me save his life, so he could be there to save mine, so we could be together to save each other. We are both still going through ALOT of things, and it helps to have that one person who loves you unconditionally. I can't imagine my life now without Nathan. He is my bestfriend, and all I could ask for in a boyfriend. Okay and here is the best part. My mom had many journals...and in one of them she wrote about how she was scared she would die before i was an adult, and I would have no one to live with cause my family is crazy. So the next line was.." I guess I'll just have to wait till she was some wonderful man to take care of her" Wow. Nathan came along at just the right time, I met him in Nov, during my moms countless hospital visits. I knew she was dying then, even before anyone told me. And it reaffirms what everyone tells me. That my mom would never leave me all alone. Nathan will never get the chance to meet my amazing mother, but I get to look at him and see her everyday. He gets to look at her pictures and know the huge role she played in his life without even knowing it. THAT my friend, beats the Notebook any day.

But I don't wannnna go to school....

This is my last week of summer class! And I think my last English class I am required to take. holla at datttt. I must say I'm quite proud of myself, I worked really hard even though everyone in my "group" came unprepared almost every class. I have an A right now, but it may turn into a B depending these last two papers. But as long as I do them, and get at least a low C, then a B is the lowest grade I can get. woot. Up, Up, Up GPA! Seriously, I don't see why I didn't take summer classes before? It's 5 weeks, and I'v found as long as you do your work and attend class it's an easy A/B. I'm glad to be focusing on school. Although, I wish I didn't let the not so good circumstances in my life effect my school for the past 2 years. But it's a learning experience, I have a better handle on my emotions & I feel despite what happens now and in the future I'm capable of overcoming and not crumbling to it. Nice feeling. 'Cause I am strongerrrrr than yesterdayyyy.' thanks bspeares. ha, okay that was realllyy bad. Sidenote: I'v become an extremely corny person lately? eh, it works.

I want to live like this, everyday. PS: LISTEN!

This is how I normally am when people aren't pissing me off:) LOOOVEE them. I suggest buying their CD. Rebelution-"Courage to Grow". Buy it. Listen. Soak it in. & attempt to live that life everyday in this crazy world:) *You don't even need to smoke weed to enjoy them, although it helps! haha (All of their songs are wonderful, but I highly recommend 'Safe&Sound')

Well it’s about that time for us to look around and meet somebody new
Let’s all welcome in familiar faces, perhaps somebody who,
Has got a conflict in their life
Tell them you’re sorry, but there’s ways to change the wrong to right
See we can sit in a distant haze and watch rain clouds pour thoughts of greatness and help our troubles sail real far away.
Well it’s a struggle – everyday we’re stressing, but what’s a life without dedication?
I’m trying to pick up the souls intention to soak in music relaxation
We’re feeling good, we’re feeling alright
We’re feeling good, we’re feeling alright
In a moment I’ll be on my way, to better days, while life is changing
And even though I’ve had my share of pain, I’ve been sympathizing and realizing
I’ve got a feeling that we can be a better friend
Simply complimenting every now and then
In the morning I wake up and miss the night before
Cuz I love the music more and more
See we can sit in a distant haze and watch rain clouds pour thoughts of greatness to help our troubles sail real far away
While it’s a struggle everyday we’re stressing, but what’s a life without dedication?
I’m trying to pick up the souls intention to soak in music relaxation

everybody wants to be closer to free.

cove beach/riverside river:)

Salisbury was just how I wanted it to be, an just what I needed. The only blower is that Rob is in Iseral, doing weird Rob things. And Bridgy is in DC & Peirce is stiiiiilllll in Georgia. (CAN you come the fuck back already) It wasn't bad though, I got the spend pretty much the whole time with Cory:) I wish I could take my far away friends and put them HERE. Then I'd be so happy. But not seeing peo0pleall the time, also makes you value their place in your life. Friday, was Alex's ginbin fun fun. Saturday, me shellgril & pookie headed to ze beachhh. We stayed all frickin day! Had lunch, drank at Anglers this AWESOME dock bar. On sundays- you can go have dinner, then take a cruise, and then come back for beer pong tourneys. Whaatttt?!. I wish I didn't have things to get done here, I can only imagine how happy I'd be if I could live at the beach over the summer. After Anglers we headed to a regular bar in the bury. When it closed we were still so amped up, so me & Cory & Hassan took a booze cruise through the cut of Salisbury, thru Fruitland, to Kengsinton. Which is where some BIG ass mansions are. ACTUALLY Micheal Jackson owned some property over there. We got all the way down to the end of Kensington, and were still amped (and very drunk) So Cory said we should go to Cove Beach. I haven't been there since my freshman year of Salisbury. OMGSH, if you want to talk about beautiful. Cove Beach is actually "Riverside" which is a river that runs all the way around Salisbury. Salisbury actually has a bar callleedd Dock Bar that sits on the river and during the day you can rent jetskis there. Any way we sat by the beach and just took it all in. From there you can see aaaalllll the stars and it was so awesome. Then me and Cory decided to go ankle deep in the water, then waist deep, then "i'll go swiming if you do". And we did lol. Since it's a river, the water was warm as fuck. It was just so nice, reminded me of one of those little moments where when your adult you look back on & wish life was like that again.lol
Ahh going to the shore & being friends with locals allows for so much more what everyone does in oceanshittty. Plus you avoid beach traffic via back roads anndd Anglers, not many people go/know about it, it's pretty much a local dock bar, thus making it not expensive at all.

I loved this weekend. I wanna go back before summer & probably will. Then of course my standard Labor Day trip. It's the opposite of the other side of the bridge which is much needed. I mean I bet no one over here ended their bar night- on a beach swimming in a river.

I really miss Cory already. But and totally psyched her Aunt works in DC school system and is saving a job for her next year. And Bridget will be living there too:) Looks like I will have to get over my fear of driving in the district.

what it do?

Like I need another internet communication device? But lj got old, & clearly I sweat Lauren.
I leave for Salisbury today:) I could not be more excited. I think every person needs a place to go, to just get away. It's not like I wished I lived there instead of here, despite everything I have come to believe this is where I need to be..until me and Nathan move to Cali with my cousin:) But I get to leave all my responsibilities, minor annoyances that I change in my head to huge ones here. I get to spend QT time with friends (The People) I wish I could see more. Not that I do not absolutely adore my friends here:) I just miss the feeling of a slower/chill enviorment. The shore contains no traffic or congestion, I get to walk barefoot alll the time because everyone else does, I get to WALK between neighborhoods to my friends house.I don't have the anxiety of feeling like I have to look all dolled up, to even think about going out. Friday is a ginbin/bbq (laurennn you remember the death caused by ginbin @ get drunk&beachy) I will be drinking myself siiillaay, in most likely what I wear on the road. and of course.. I will be barefoot.
So my suggestion: find a place that calms you, makes you comfortable and allows you to escape...and just say FUCK it at times and dipset. I think the mental health of many would improve by this.

& Trust me, as long as you shower regularly walking barefoot is quite liberating.

Ah:) love&peace.