Lonely.

It's been awhile, but this is one of those time I have toooo many thoughts. So many going on at once, and all of them random.

I saw Miss Linda today, she is one of the only "original" silver sprucers left. She knew my mom very well. I remember the day her husband died, I was in 5th grade, one year before I found out my mom had cancer. Mr. Bill, was great one of those people you want as your neighbor type guy. I went to the funeral, and it was so...interesting to me. I was so young, I couldn't really grasp the concept of death. I remember their son, Jason. He was like 3 or 4 yrs old then us and took one the role of being the older one, and always had something new for us try...ya know be be guns, going in the woods, or places in the neighborhood we know we shouldn't. I remember him at the funeral, he had given his dad CPR, but his dad died before the ambulance got there. I remember wondering what it felt like to be him. He got older, moved out did his own thing. His mom was never really the same again, I think she is still on a lot of medicine and never really got over her husbands death. But I saw them today...for Easter. They were all dressed up and leaving Miss Linda's house. I saw Jason, and he looks so different(as I'm sure he felt I did) He looked just happy. And he has about years to move on from his dad's death, but it makes me think...how will I look years later. I know he still misses his dad, but in what kind of way? We had this weird moment of looking at each other, because we even though we were years apart...hadn't seen each other in over 10 years, we had at one point in our lives felt the same exact pain.I could tell he was thinking it, and so was I. Jason looked good though, his gf seemed nice. Done.

Cory & Michelle came this weekend. It was SO much fun, and I miss them so much. I miss having girl friends to hang out with all the time. Go to lunch, sit around, drink with, be hung over with. We always pick up right where we left off, and we can always be there for each other. My friends here are wonderful. But we are all busy, and I miss just having a close knit friend group. I rely on Hassan to much I think. I felt so lonely after they left. I miss them so much already and wish we could hang out more. I'm certainly going to go down soon. I literally wish I could go next weekend, and probably would if I didn't have a test. But Cory graduates in May, so I may go up there to celebrate with her. Regardless I'll be over soon, and I can't wait. Me and Michelle sat in her car, and listened to music and vented and cried (lol good crys) and did what we used to do at the Old Zoo when we were all fucked up and life was crazy. I miss that alot. Alex and hopefully Emily come in two weeks. I can't wait, but i hate feeling so sad when they leave. :(

Nathan- had a job interview Friday and I want him to get this more then ever. Every problem we have will be gone. He will go back to himself. I can go back to myself. We can go back to ourselves. It's been so hard watching him be so sad, and be so powerless. He said it went well, and wow the difference in him this weekend after just going to the interview and feeling good about it was remarkable. That is how I know things will get better.

Sometimes I feel more lonely then I think I should. I complain and cry about it, but I think for once I will work harder to change it. I'm going to start doing more, seeing more friends despite there distance. I always have so much fun when I do. I'm going to start being ouuttsideeee for as much time as I can, as I know the sun is better then prozac. I think I'm going to go down to S. Md Friday-Saturday and have some girl time with Rach & Kt. I'm gonna maybe start seeing Emily more often like we used too. Nathan is right, I have alot of friends...and even if they aren't in bville I should start making an effort.

I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish my mom was still alive.

Somehow everything always relates back to that.