mom,

I wish I had someone to talk to about how I'm feeling. This appears to be the 2nd night of crying myself to sleep. I hate that. Pook is sleeping on the couch for now cause he is pretty sick and does not want to get me sick and is up coughing most of the night. I want to tell him how sad I am, and that I want him to sleep with me so I don't have to cry alone. But I can't afford to get sick, and it's time I learn to deal with these feelings without him carrying me through them. Plus he is sick and stressed and I refuse to add more to his plate, despite the fact Ithink he knows there is something going on. I can't get all the thoughts out of my head. I keep re playing the night you died and I hate doing it. But I can't help it, it's like it's complusive. I can feel myself getting depressed. It's an interesting feeling. I can just feel it all of a sudden. It's honestly like all your insides begin to sag. I want to go to therapy, at least I can get it out. I need to stay focused with school. I won't let myself drink this weekend because I end up hung over all day & don't do shit. Nothing but school this weekend, no matter how depressed I feel or how much I feel like I don't care. I never want to get missing you out of my head or heart. I wish I could miss you, without feeling like laying in bed all day though. I don't know when that will happen. I hate needing to talk to someone about things I only shared or talked about with you. I miss you so much. Can you send me a good and happy dream about you or us. I keep having bad ones.

i can take the rain on this empty house.
that don't bother me.
i can take a few tears every now&then
and just let em out
i'm not afraid to cry
every once in awhile
even though going on
with you gone still upsets me.
there are days enow and again i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me.
what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
& watching you walk away
and never know what could have been.
and not seeing that loving you, was what i was trying to do.

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
but i'm doing it.
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends
and i'm alone.
still harder, getting up
getting dressed
living with this regret.
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken