all the music is sad again.

I need to sleep. I'm awake and I need to sleep. I wish I could skip these next few months. All year I got to remember you being here this time last year. But in a few months I'll just have all the memories I play back in my head of you being in and out the hospital. You telling me you were dying. The night you died. Oct 25th is your birthday. Thanksgiving was the last holiday I got to spend with you. And this Christmas will be a depressing one no doubt. I can't believe you'v been gone almost a year. I know you'd be proud of me. But I know you know how sad I am everyday. I'v been good at hiding my sadness. I hate for people to see me weak, I hate to cry when there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. So for the most part I make myself appear happy even on the days I'm not. I guess that is something I learned from you. Lately my heart has been hurting alot more. But I won't let anyone see it. I'll continue to keeping laughing, because if I stop, I'll stop. It's really tiring though, but I'd rather everyone think I was at least doing okay, then see how sad I am. I don't know you lived with your depression for so long, but still being my mom and doing so much, and making me so happy and never becoming a cancer patient and always being my mom. I'm not as strong as you. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about how sad I feel. I know that doesn't make sense.

I have Nathan, and I have you to thank for that. He's my saving grace and has helped fill my heart a little bit. He's why I've made it this year. But he can't replace you, and I feel bad dumping my sadness on him now. I've done it for a year and I know it's okay cause he loves me. But with all the stuff going on with him and Josh I feel like it's my turn to be strong. I really don't know if I can. Why can't you come back?

I descended a dusty gravel ridge
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge
Until I eventually arrived
At the place where your soul had died

Barefoot in the shallow creek
I grabbed some stones from underneath
And waited for you to speak to me

And the silence, it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

Then it started getting dark
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I must assume was the case with you



I love you, I miss you more than anything can express. I'm going to sleep now, because I have a test tomorrow and I need to wake up to study. And all my A's are for you. (Even though it's so hard to enjoy them)